I am seeking advice on how to deal with a breakup. This was my first relationship and it was everything that I tried to avoid. I am not sure where to go from here. I welcome any advice or if you have a similar experience, please share.

I apologize for the long post in advance.


I just left an emotionally abusive relationship with someone who gaslights and who shows traits for being a narcissist or sociopath.

We met through a mutual friend and we started seeing each other last year. Things were great in the beginning. He would take me to nice restaurants and seem like a kind and smart gentleman. About a month later, he became a completely different person. He went from being an intelligent and reserved man to an angry hot-head. At first, I thought he was going through something in his personal life so I didn't question him too much about it and thought it would pass and he would return to being kind again. But I was wrong....

He soon told me that he has anger problems and that he likes to win arguments no matter what. Although this came up as a red flag, I didn't think it would be too much of a concern for me. I figured since I am someone that keeps my anger to a minimum and I'd rather find a solution to a problem instead of being 'right,' there shouldn't be an issue between us. I was wrong about that too...

Every time I saw him in person or spoke to him over the phone, he would become angry and would want to pick fights with me. I thought it was pretty random since his attitude would change in a split second over the smallest things. I first tried talking to him calmly (knowing that he has anger issue), and to let him know that I am on his side and that whatever I said to make him upset wasn't my intention. This never worked, his anger would increase and would yell and blame me until I would cry. If I went along with his accusations and apologize, he would calm down a little bit but continue to tell me how stupid I was. It was like walking on eggshells around him, I never knew when he would start yelling at me. I started to keep quiet and only speak when if he asked me a question. This worked for a little bit.

We got to a point where I was able to tell him my concerns. I let him know that I get nervous around him, how his anger makes me feel, that he talks down on me often. He gave a reluctant apology something like, "I am sorry if I ever said anything to hurt your feelings." He encouraged me to speak up more and to let him know if something was on my mind. I thought we were making progress, but it was a trap. He started to accuse me of being someone that was angry, argumentative, has a lack of empathy, manipulative, lying, never wanted to let things go. These are all traits that describe him. He would project them on me when I would try to find a solution to a problem he wanted to argue about, but it never worked because he was focused on 'winning.'

With everything escalating, I decided to speak to my counselor about what has been happening. She informed me that what I was experiencing was an emotionally abusive relationship. After looking online to read more about it, I came across a term called 'gaslight.' This is when a person acts in a way to manipulate someone by performing psychological and emotional abuse. I have countless stories of this man for each trait for gaslighting me. This brought clarity and understanding to his bizarre and illogical behavior.

I ended things with him recently. I didn't tell him the reason is his manipulative behavior. At the time, he was complaining to me about something and I agreed to take the blame and told him that we shouldn't be friends anymore and that he deserves someone better. With his personality and from multiple accounts online, it is unlikely that he would come to an understanding of why I find his behavior disturbing. And he would also not take responsibility for his actions.

Has anyone ever dealt with a gaslighter or some who is emotionally abusive? What are some things that made you move on and grow?