I can relate to a lot of this. I faced similar toxic relationship problems with someone in my early years. It landed me in a psych ward after attempting on my life because I couldn't get free from him on my own. I then ended up doing harmful things to myself in hopes that it was a turn-off for him, at it eventually worked 2 years later. He finally left me thinking I was a disgusting, unhealthy person.

I'm not suggesting doing any of those. But it reminded me of what people have always told me, you can't change others if they don't want the change or help. You can only change yourself. I took that too literally and in the worst way.

So it sounds like you're hoping for the better of things magically working out because you both want to be with one another. If both parties can admit to working out issues and seeing a therapist, that's really encouraged. It may help you two be better for one another or help you two realize that you guys aren't great together.

The biggest, hardest thing you're going to have to do is to fight for yourself and seek help. It's not going to feel great at first and it'll be terrifying. For the changes I made, I changed my phone number and moved to a different city and went back to school. I needed a complete change and to find a way to move on.

I don't know if I said anything helpful, but I really do hope you seek some help.