Ironically I always feel like I can give advice but can’t take it myself. Im experiencing something incredibly similar right now. I applaud your strength and bravery . My therapist has explained that abusers truly can’t understand what they are doing. (My psychiatrist is also my husbands psychiatrist). My husband is narcissistic and manic. Gaslighting is his go-to. It makes him feel better and our doctor explained that most narcissists actually choose who they are in relationships based on how intelligent they find them. Let that sink in for a minute. It took me a while before I even believed my doctor when he said that. He explained that for narcissists in particular, they feed off of control, and by controlling a person they view as intelligent, it makes them feel even better about themselves. While that doesn’t change the actual abuse, it has allowed me to stop blaming myself for what has happened. I know my husband can’t control it and he doesn’t want to. You took that step to leave and I admire you!