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Originally Posted by BlackCat13
Thank you for your insightful reply! Yes for my ex, I believe there were times he knew what he was doing and other times he didn't. He mentioned that he lied his way out of counseling as a young teenager because "they were easy to manipulate". And that he can get people to do whatever he wanted. I took it as him bragging about himself since he was on the nerdy side and had insecurities who he was as a man and wanted to feel superior.
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Again, do not mention it. It might not be insightful, but I try to think about how to respond, what to write and to convey insight if there is any that I might convey.
Haha, I mean, it is indeed possible that my ex girlfriend (I suppose, even your ex as well) that she was aware of what she was doing and how she was in each instance. (After all, there are people, who are so manipulative and on such a high levels of narcissism, sociopathy/psychopathy, and Machiavellianism that they deceive people in general, including those, who are trained professionals.) More specifically, she was conscious of each and every form of abuse, when she engaged in abuse, what actions are "defined" as abuse and more. Quite simply, her consciousness may have been as "I am abusing him. I am manipulating him. I am harming him. I am destroying him. I do not care." Furthermore, such claims are premises to why someone has an appearance (what some might call a "mask") and hides how s/he is. It is not simply because someone is "conditioned" to be like that, but rather continual choice and consciousness of those choices, behaviors and so on.
Now, the aforesaid description might seem extreme, but as you seem to be somewhat expressing, what we are discussing is extremely complex. Withat that said, there do seem to be instances of when a person is conscious of his/her behavior, not necessarily conscious of it as "abusive," but the person is aware that the other is hurting, s/he (might be) the source of hurt, yet s/he lacks empathy and other possibilities.
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Originally Posted by BlackCat13
Is this the way you are describing it?
I never considered this possibility. He once made a joke about the pot he had smoked was so god that he would develop a severe mental disorder. This was just hours before revealing to him that my father suffered from one. After I confronted him about it, he denied the whole thing and said that I was lying and wanted to pick a fight with him. His "jokes" were always dry and usually came from a place of either jealousy or insecurity that he had. Such as accusing me of exchanging numbers with random men or sleeping with them. I could never say anything because it was a "joke."
He had rules and boundaries that I had to follow for him, but nothing was off limits when it came to me.
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I apologize. I do not think that I understand your question and am trying to not misinterpret.
Although what we are discussing is subjective, your depictions of his attempts at humor do not seem like humor, but rather they are attempts to control you through degradation and humiliation disguised as humor. Consequently, you might be confused and question his "jokes" inside your head and do not quite understand why he is "joking" about the content that he is. As you already indicated, he gaslighted you about the pot "joke," then shifted the blame onto you, projected his actions and behavior onto you and tried to convince you of invented guilt.
My ex girlfriend told me in the early stages of our history that she did not try to be funny because she was "terrible at it" (or some explanation like that.) I found her perspective and statement somewhat odd in my humble opinion for several reasons (which I'll omit for sake of time/reading.) With that said, even from the first few days of meeting her, her "humor" in general towards me when I was the focus of her jokes was not "humor," but rather degradation and humiliation. After our discussion about sarcasm, she seemed to consciously try more to be humorous in general, which she was, but she still continued to employ humor as a pretense for corroding me, my security and so forth as well.
Evidently, for him, you were held to rigid standards while, for him, he was not held to any standards. My ex girlfriend was like that to an extreme degree with me as well. (The aforementioned aspects of "humor" and "standards" are often associated with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.)
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Originally Posted by BlackCat13
Yes, that is exactly what he did. Before I ever considered that might be trying to manipulate me, I asked him why was he always mean to me when he was kind before. While laughing he responded that he was nice so that I would give him my virginity and that all men are like this. I wasn't expecting this to be his response given that I confided in him that I was sexually abused as a child.
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Your paragraph reads like he was testing you, pushing your boundaries, studying you (your behavior, interests and so on,) finding any insecurities, trauma in order to hurt you, control you and more as he was disclosing his possible intentions/objectives to you through the pretense of humor to deceive you as if those were not his objectives/intentions. In other words, he was telling you what he was doing/how he was behaving, but "playing it off" like that was not what he was doing and how he was behaving. (Again, this is another aspect that is associated with NPD.)