Your input has been helpful because this all very new to me.
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Originally Posted by crushed_soul
Furthermore, such claims are premises to why someone has an appearance (what some might call a "mask") and hides how s/he is. It is not simply because someone is "conditioned" to be like that, but rather continual choice and consciousness of those choices, behaviors and so on.
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I noticed this "mask" when we were around his friends or in public where he had to talk to someone (ie waitress). He was happy, calm, would make jokes, be polite. I always found comfort when other people were around so that he wouldn't become angry. Generally speaking, he would not lash out to those that actually caused problems for him, but take it out on me when we were in his car leaving or at his house. I have wondered about his interactions with others. If bothered, he would either not say anything to his friends or he would do so in a passive way. However, if he were to retell the story to me, he would make it seem like he told off his friends in an aggressive way where he made demands.
Interestingly enough, he told me of a time where he became angry about where his family was seated at a restaurant. He didn't say anything to the waiter but became loud and made his family uncomfortable. I'm guessing since they are his family, this was nothing new to them and he felt comfortable with them. But he did apologize for embarrassing them and he told me he was ashamed because he didn't know what he became that angry. For him, nothing compares to the value his family and their success, he wants to be just like them, wealthy.
He had mentioned to me that he is a "master of conversation," but this was while we were discussing job interview techniques.
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Originally Posted by crushed_soul
there do seem to be instances of when a person is conscious of his/her behavior, not necessarily conscious of it as "abusive," but the person is aware that the other is hurting, s/he (might be) the source of hurt, yet s/he lacks empathy and other possibilities.
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When we discussed his anger, I told me how it made me feel. He said that what I described was emotional abuse and that I put up with a lot. Since I still wanted to talk to him, I didn't focus on that because I thought since he recognized it he would simply stop. But it is true that describing something as emotional abuse is different from admitting. He would constantly tell me that I lacked empathy no matter how many times I told him that I'm trying to understand his perspective. I was hoping he would do the same for me, but never happened.
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Originally Posted by crushed_soul
I apologize. I do not think that I understand your question and am trying to not misinterpret.
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I was asking if the examples I gave matched the way you described gaslighters using humor, "jokes" where the other person is the subject of it to be ridiculed.
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Originally Posted by crushed_soul
My ex girlfriend told me in the early stages of our history that she did not try to be funny because she was "terrible at it" (or some explanation like that.) I found her perspective and statement somewhat odd in my humble opinion for several reasons (which I'll omit for sake of time/reading.)
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My ex did this as well. In the beginning, he would question why I would laugh and that I was weird. I am interested in hearing about your experiences if you don't mind sharing.
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Originally Posted by crushed_soul
Your paragraph reads like he was testing you, pushing your boundaries, studying you (your behavior, interests and so on,) finding any insecurities, trauma in order to hurt you, control you and more as he was disclosing his possible intentions/objectives to you through the pretense of humor to deceive you as if those were not his objectives/intentions. In other words, he was telling you what he was doing/how he was behaving, but "playing it off" like that was not what he was doing and how he was behaving. (Again, this is another aspect that is associated with NPD.)
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This gave me chills. But it is the reality. He would always say things like, "I don't like girl who do..." or "I like girls that..." This was to let me know about his preferences. He made sure to always cross my boundaries. Even throwing fits of rage for him to get his way.
Once in a blue moon, he would own up to his actions but still accuse me of the same. I called him once and asked why was he ignoring my messages. He laughed and said he wanted to relax. But if I didn't answer his calls, he would accuse me of ignoring him. Even if my phone was in the other room, or if I was busy cleaning, he would still stick with me ignoring him and causing problems instead of there being a "missed" call.