Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackCat13
Your input has been helpful because this all very new to me.
|
Well, I do immensely appreciate your kind words and this chat with you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackCat13
I noticed this "mask" when we were around his friends or in public where he had to talk to someone (ie waitress). He was happy, calm, would make jokes, be polite. I always found comfort when other people were around so that he wouldn't become angry. Generally speaking, he would not lash out to those that actually caused problems for him, but take it out on me when we were in his car leaving or at his house. I have wondered about his interactions with others. If bothered, he would either not say anything to his friends or he would do so in a passive way. However, if he were to retell the story to me, he would make it seem like he told off his friends in an aggressive way where he made demands.
|
Ah, so, around others in general, his facade was how people might interpret as appealing, yet when he was around you and only you, he was starkly different from his facade. In case you might not be aware, there is a term called, "Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde" which consists of behavior like we are discussing. It is also associated with NPD. He seems to be most concerned about his appearance to others as in portraying himself favorably so that others would perceive him as stereotypical appealing qualities (e.g. nice, kind.)
The projected self (appearance) is how the person tries, wants, chooses to appear, but s/he is conscious that s/he is not like that and is abusive, manipulative and more, yet s/he tries to convince himself/herself that she is and tries to increase the convincing to herself/himself through trying to convince others that his/her appearance is how s/he is.
Evidently, you were the target of his projections and more.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackCat13
Interestingly enough, he told me of a time where he became angry about where his family was seated at a restaurant. He didn't say anything to the waiter but became loud and made his family uncomfortable. I'm guessing since they are his family, this was nothing new to them and he felt comfortable with them. But he did apologize for embarrassing them and he told me he was ashamed because he didn't know what he became that angry. For him, nothing compares to the value his family and their success, he wants to be just like them, wealthy.
|
If they enable him and his behavior, whether they are conscious of consciously enabling his behavior, their actions might be an example of "flying monkeys." It is when people enable the person of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (and sometimes more such as engage in smear campaigns against the victim and more.) Even if they are not acting as flying monkeys, they still seemingly enable his behavior.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackCat13
He had mentioned to me that he is a "master of conversation," but this was while we were discussing job interview techniques.
|
Apparently, there is such a term of behavior called, "impression management." People, who who are (extremely) manipulative and have appearances (of a projected self) (and whether they are of NPD or not) tend to be (how ever highly) effective in "impression management." Moreover, they are constantly attempt to learn and enhance how they initially appear to people and how people initially perceive them. Job interviews are examples of impression management. Likewise, people as we've just described will use impression management in interviews and typically "do well" in them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackCat13
When we discussed his anger, I told me how it made me feel. He said that what I described was emotional abuse and that I put up with a lot. Since I still wanted to talk to him, I didn't focus on that because I thought since he recognized it he would simply stop. But it is true that describing something as emotional abuse is different from admitting. He would constantly tell me that I lacked empathy no matter how many times I told him that I'm trying to understand his perspective. I was hoping he would do the same for me, but never happened.
|
I might be misunderstanding what you wrote in which case I apologize. From what I read in your text, he was admitting that he was emotionally abusive towards you? As we've dialogued, his acknowledgment seemingly confirms that he was conscious of emotionally abusing you, yet he did not stop and care (if care is accurate.) Evidently, he lacked empathy towards you, then projected his lack of empathy unto you as if you were to have lacked empathy, projected his blame unto you (shifting the blame) as if you were to blame for lacking empathy and projecting his guilt unto you as he tried to convince you that you were guilty for lacking empathy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackCat13
I was asking if the examples I gave matched the way you described gaslighters using humor, "jokes" where the other person is the subject of it to be ridiculed.
|
Much obliged for the explanation. Indeed, what you wrote seems to consist of what we were describing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackCat13
My ex did this as well. In the beginning, he would question why I would laugh and that I was weird. I am interested in hearing about your experiences if you don't mind sharing.
|
Geez, he was belittling you for laughing? That is horrible and excessive, but no surprise. Well, in general, I would be very sarcastic and silly because that is how I chose to be. I did not choose to be sarcastic and silly for the sake of others. With that said, she seemed to like such behavior, yet when she "tried" to be funny with me as the focus of her "jokes," she would belittle my physical appearance (e.g. my hair, clothing and more.) As I previously noted, she would also indeed be funny, but there is a distinct difference between humor and the pretense of humor to degrade and humiliate someone.
For a while, I did not care because I chose to not care about the opinions of others, but this was someone about whom I cared and for whom I was emotionally attached. I also would ask myself why she was using such content (as in me) for attempts at humor. I would not make fun of her as in degrade and humiliate her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackCat13
This gave me chills. But it is the reality. He would always say things like, "I don't like girl who do..." or "I like girls that..." This was to let me know about his preferences. He made sure to always cross my boundaries. Even throwing fits of rage for him to get his way.
|
He seemed to be grooming and conditioning you to how he wanted you to be, perhaps, according to his mental image of an "ideal, perfect" woman. My ex groomed and conditioned me in similar circumstances as well.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlackCat13
Once in a blue moon, he would own up to his actions but still accuse me of the same. I called him once and asked why was he ignoring my messages. He laughed and said he wanted to relax. But if I didn't answer his calls, he would accuse me of ignoring him. Even if my phone was in the other room, or if I was busy cleaning, he would still stick with me ignoring him and causing problems instead of there being a "missed" call.
|
Again, his "standard" for you that he dictated while, for him, there was no standard. Additionally, he engaged in the silent treatment from what you just wrote. That is another form of emotional and psychological abuse. Dictation and control are main aspects among others in NPD relationships and abusive relationships in general. It is possible that he apologized when the appearance of an apology was a means for him to achieve an objective. Meaning, he faked an apology to continue controlling you and more while appearing to be apologetic, take responsibility, change and other possibilities.