After some back and forth, I think I might benefit from a thread. I am not sure what is happening in my therapy. After he returned from a three week break (and actually before he went) I didn't feel nearly as connected to him as usual. During the break I sent him a message saying happy fathers day, and he didn't respond (But I didn't really expect him to as he was away) but when he got back he was saying he was curious about it and that I "put myself alongside" his kids, which seemed like a massive overreaction to me, as it was just a nice gesture as far as I was concerned. I didn't send him flowers ffs. Last session he said that when he said the alongside thing, he was looking at things from the perspective of a father, not my therapist. And this is a place we have been before, where he is very quick to let the mask slip when anything touches upon his family life in his eyes. We had a massive rupture 2 years ago when he (wrongly) thought I had somehow discovered his wife's name. I thought we were past it, but he still is quick to turn when he imagines I am somehow encroaching on his family life. I know he has strong caring, parental feelings towards me, so I wonder how much of this is a kind of overcompensatory reaction to his feelings. Last session he was saying something about how feelings are fine and they can be expressed but not acted on - I can't remember his exact wording but he seemed to be suggesting that this applies to both of us, it didn't just feel he was talking about me



So for a couple of sessions I've been kind of angry with him for stepping out of the therapist role and basically rejecting me. What CE said on the couch the other day about therapy luring the inner child out and rejecting them all over again feels a little close to home to me right now.


Last night I dreamt that I bought jelly beans and sat on my Ts knee in a cafe eating the jelly beans and he put his arm round my waist like I might if my child sat on my knee. It felt very childlike. There were other Ts in the cafe and they were looking at my T judgementally. This isn't the first dream I've had like this. I had a dream a couple of months ago where my old favourite teacher (in my dream she was a T) was telling me he was too close and overinvolved and I should leave. I was shouting back at her angrily. And about a year ago I dreamt


So I don't know if I feel he is distancing himself too much or if I feel he is too close or what. I'm really confused. He's an excellent T. He's been great for me and anyone who has been following my posts for a long time knows that. But what is hsppening? Why do I feel like we could be stumbling towards the end? I don't want it to end like that.


I'm looking for support and insight, but absolutely no criticism of me or the way I'm viewing things/acting please.