I could use someone to talk to right now who won't judge me. Please be careful with advice and if you want to advise read the whole post, I have thought a lot about this so I don't need basic advice. I'm hoping for some encouragement that I'm handling this as I should be and that maybe things aren't as bad as my fear wants me to think they are.

I didn't think this situation I've gotten myself into would hurt me so much. Here I am, at work writing this, fighting back tears because of it... My gut aches again with anxiety. I thought I was relieved when I told my friend the feelings I had for him. At first, I was relieved... It felt much better than the initial plan of running away from him entirely when I first realized what I felt for him. He took it very well and I've been openly talking about it with him. I'm the one not taking it well.

I've been extremely dependent on him lately to keep my mood up. I'm turning 30 soon and it has been very hard for me watching my younger brothers both find love and have happy lives while I'm barely scraping by and have no one but this friend and some acquaintances. He's been so kind to me - even at my worst, somehow he makes me feel better... So naturally I developed feelings for him. I told him on Wednesday how I feel. Long story short, he can't know if he feels anything for me without meeting IRL. Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention this is an internet friendship... (Please don't judge, it's all I have.) Now, I'm all for meeting, but there's two huge problems standing in the way:
1. He lives in France, I live in the US. I dunno if you guys know this, but France is kinda not near the US. There's a lot of water in-between, and not the kind you can just swim across. Flights also aren't cheap and I'm not made out of money, nor is he.
2. He's dealing with a very recent trauma thanks to an ex and is not looking for a relationship until he recovers from that, which is totally fair and so I'm trying to remain respectful of that and is partially why we agreed to wait until he was done with school to consider if we would be a good couple.

After he had logged off Wednesday night though I started thinking about what waiting until after he was done with school meant. Initially I thought maybe school was 3 years max with 2 being likely based on previous chats, but I found out today that it's at least 3 and possibly 5. I'm having such a hard time with that. That's very scary, the thought of being left in limbo that long, only to be told "no".

So today I proposed a few things that I thought might help. I suggested video chats and using voice chats more often, but apparently that's not the same and would not help him make a decision. I then suggested meeting next year or even the year after during a holiday period if finances allowed it. He's up for that, but we're both concerned about the cost... I didn't do any serious looking, but the cheapest I quickly found on one site to a Paris airport, round-trip, was nearly $800 and he lives about an hour away so a train ride of top of that. That's a huge amount of money for me. I'd also need some spending money, so I think I'd need like $1000 minimum if not more, definitely more if I stayed at a hotel and not with him. Tax returns are usually great for me and I'm sure I could get the cash that way if I didn't spend it like I normally do, but that's an expensive trip, especially if it meant getting heartbroken too. I'm not at all interested in any touristy reasons to go to France, so it would strictly be to visit him.

At this moment my plan is to figure out as much as I can if it is a good match before meeting. To me, he checks off all of the things I need from a mate and some of the wants as well with none of the deal breakers. We've done a lot of unintended comparing in our chats and I know I could check a lot of good boxes for him as well. We both have needs that are very hard to find in other people. I've honestly never had someone be such a close match to what my ideal is. Considering how we even found each other, how "lucky" it is... It just feels like things aligned to lead me to him and like he's that one special person I've been waiting for. I'm still learning how to listen to my gut, but I think it's my gut saying that too, I feel like the fear and panic are not of my gut and of my disorder (I have BPD) making me terrified that this is just going to hurt me in the end.

There's so many obstacles here, I can't help but be afraid. I want to be smart about this... but I so want this to work out. I really think we could make each other happy. I have been so happy lately because of him, no one has ever managed that... But I feel like it's so out of reach, like this is a cruel game the universe/God/whatever is playing on me. Deprive me of love for so long, make me think I'll die alone, then just when I've given up allow the perfect person to appear and keep him at a distance that seems impossible to close... I just want to hold him so badly... I feel so pathetic for writing this, but I need to.