It's not like I've quit trying. I'm trying so damn hard all of the time. It doesn't seem to matter, though.

The thoughts are too intense, all of the feeling is there alongside them. I feel like I'm drowning. I've said it for days that I've felt like I was backsliding, now I've slid and I'm back at a bottom I thought I had escaped.

Why can't I just be okay?

It's a pattern: I get really low, deadly low. Then for a day or two I feel relief and hopeful, if it's chemically induced then it can be a week or two. Then I get how I am now, where I'm screwed up and can't sort it out, enough that I almost was escorted to the ER (but the doc didn't know where I was to send an ambulance).

Yes, a hospital is where I probably should be, but I don't want to. I know, who does? But I want to figure this out without going IP, I don't think it's wrong of me to try and get help I can afford rather than taking an urgent option.

I feel so damn alone and it sucks, but I can't bring myself to be around anyone because it takes so much out of me. There's no logic; I'm so lonely I can't stand it but I want to be alone. How does that make sense? None of this makes sense, I shouldn't be feeling this way. I've made progress in trauma therapy and I'm on the right meds. I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. And I hate it. I hate that I can't be okay.