Figure I should do a writeup of Thursday's session so that Friday's extra session will make more sense. T Thursday. Went back and sat down. I said I was barely on time because of being stuck behind slow drivers, so we commiserated about some of the roads and drivers in our area, and he shared that he's gotten a speeding ticket before, too.

I said I'd gotten upset about something related to ex-MC the night before but was embarrassed to tell him what it was. Before I could share, T asked when my last communication with ex-MC was. I looked it up in my phone--was late June. I said I hadn't shared e-mail with T because I was upset with him about something at the time and had told ex-MC how T is great in some ways, but I worried about his lack of transference knowledge, etc. And how ex-MC had totally missed the point and replied, "I'm glad that T is great in some ways." T: "That sounds like something Dr. ex-MC would say--he does tend to focus on the positive."

T asked what my expectations were with contact with ex-MC in the future. I said I didn't know, that he'd replied to the couple e-mails I'd sent since termination in early April. He talked about how different T's handle that differently, and it also depends on if it was an official termination or if he left the door open, that he got sense ex-MC had left door open with us. I said yes, that we could technically come back if we wanted. T was talking about possible liability issues of a person was no longer really a client, whether it's OK to give more therapeutic advice or not. I said how ex-T had said a general update periodically is fine, like something where she'd just respond "Thanks for the update, glad things are going well" or similar (we'd never actually discussed that with ex-MC). T said that's how he feels about it, too. But that with most former clients of his, he's kept the door open, if they wanted to come back (the few where he didn't, he made it very clear with a formal letter). But if they sent an e-mail looking for advice, he'd likely suggest they come in for a session instead.

I said I'd also been wondering if ex-MC would still be available in a crisis situation, like would he still talk to me if I needed that and couldn't reach T? T said I probably shouldn't count on that. Since I'm not really still a client. And if I did try to reach out to him and he said it wasn't OK or just ignored it...that could make me feel rejected. Me: "And if I was already feeling really bad..." He said something else that made me feel he didn't think ex-MC would be OK with it.

I said that led to something I'd been wondering about: Is it ever OK to call T, if it was before a certain hour (he'd said at one point he never answers phone after 10 pm)? (He only has his cell that he uses for work and personal, no office phone, and I've never called him for any reason--just e-mailed or, if scheduling, texted.) Would he ever be willing to talk to me on the phone in a crisis? That I was referring to, like, a once a year sort of thing. He proceeded to give a really vague, conditional answer that seemed really wishy-washy to me. That he doesn't usually answer his phone (though would listen to messages) and most likely wouldn't be available when I'd call, either in with clients or a family thing, etc. That he prefers to meet in person so would probably just try to get me in as quickly as possible. I was left feeling I had no real sense of whether it was OK or not.

I realized we had 10 minutes left. I went back to what I wanted to discuss at beginning, how I'd flipped the calendar over to August, saw our beach trip (with my parents, H, and D) on there, remembered taking stuffed elephant I associate with ex-MC with me the last couple years to give emotional support during the trip and a tough part of the drive. And I'd started crying and was upset for a while about it. T: "It's like I said, where grief can hit you at unexpected times." Me: "Yeah, it just seems silly because it's about a stuffed animal..." T: "Why couldn't you take the elephant with you this year?" Me: "Uh...because now I have negative associations with it?" I started crying, pulled a tissue from the box, and the last few came with it. T: "Now to see how long those can last." Me: "At least it's almost end of session."

Me (the following said very quickly, through tears): "The thing is, it's like this part of me wants to ask you if I could borrow the stone or something else for the trip to the beach, like if I promised to only hold it during the difficult part of the ride, and just keep it in my bag the rest of the time, but then I don't really want to ask, because I'm too afraid of you saying no, and that would be painful, so I don't want to take that risk, so I won't ask you." T: "OK. We can continue to have more of a discussion about all of this next time if you want." Me: "OK, that might be good."

Confirmed Monday and Thursday, paid, shook hands as he said, "Have a good weekend." Me: "You too."

Then I ended up being a weepy mess much of the night, including in front of my D ("Mommy's sad!"), sent T this e-mail late that evening (it was initially much longer but I edited it way down before sending),

"Dear Dr. [T],
Many thoughts distilled to this. If you charge, could you please keep it to $45?

1. I really miss Dr. [Ex-MC]. One takeaway from today was the harsh reality of "He's gone from my life. I can no longer count on him if I need someone." Which hurts like hell. (How do I deal with that?) Hence my questions about what I could expect of you in a crisis.

2. There's stuff I want to talk about with you, but I'm afraid to. The therapeutic relationship seems good right now, and I'm scared to upset the balance. How do I break through that fear? Or is the fear there for a reason, meaning I should avoid those topics?

3. I'm really scared to say this, but I wish you'd offer me the stone (or some other item) for the duration of the [beach] trip, at least to help me [with the difficult part of the drive] (and deal with my parents). (I could deal with a "no" via e-mail better than in person.) Then again, in a previous email, you said you appreciated me willingly giving it back. So maybe merely asking you will seem like a horrible insult to your feelings. If that's the case, I'm very sorry, and just forget that I asked. (Even though today you said not to worry about taking care of you.)
Thanks,
[LT]"

Then early in the morning, I e-mailed asking, before he replied to e-mail, did he have an opening that day by any chance? He wrote back at 7:45 a.m. saying he could see me at 3 if I wanted (later changed to 2), so I went with that.

Stay tuned for the Friday session writeup (if you're not totally sick of my updates by then!)--I think Friday's was a really good, helpful session that cleared the air about some things.