Warning: LONG: T Friday (extra session). I was running late (and he's always on time), so had texted him "be there in 3 minutes" then "Getting on elevator." He said he appreciated it and felt like he was watching my progress on Google maps. (I was really only a couple minutes late, but since he has no receptionist, he wouldn't know when I arrived.)

Sat down, I thanked him for the extra session and said for some reason whenever I schedule an extra one, I started doubting that decision shortly beforehand. T looked puzzled and asked if I was doubting it now. I said I was at first, but then thought about how I was last night and knew I'd made right decision, that if he hadn't had opening, I'd have been OK, but glad he did. I said how I was crying a bunch last night, like in front of D while trying to play with her, how she'd said, "Mommy's sad" and I'd told her it had nothing to do with her. T: "Aw, I'm sorry."

I started tearing up and looked for the tissues, which I'd used up the day before. Me: "Oh good, you replaced the tissues." T usually has the tall, square boxes of tissues, but this was one of the big, long rectangular boxes. T: "I got the industrial size this time." I laughed and said at least he didn't have a whole Costco 10 pack stacked up next to my seat. T: "At least I didn't put two boxes there, one labeled 'LT's tissues' and the other one 'other clients' tissues'." Me: "True! I appreciate that." I think that joking helped break the tension.

T: "So you sent me an e-mail. Do you want to discuss what's in there?" Me: "Yeah, I guess." T: "Where do you want to start?" Me: "I don't know." T: "Well, you numbered your points, 1, 2, and 3--do you want to go in order?" Me: "I'm not sure, I don't even know why I numbered them--they weren't in a particular order." T: "Well, let's start with the first one."

Me: "I guess session yesterday just kind of made it more clear that ex-MC is not a part of my life anymore. Like how you were saying I probably couldn't go to him in a crisis anymore." T: "That's rather black and white thinking. I wasn't saying you definitely couldn't, just that I didn't know for sure if you could." Me: "OK, but it still sort of underlined the reality that I don't know if I can rely on him. Like it helped knowing he was on my list of people I could go to, but I don't know that he is anymore. And that's hard." T: "I can understand that."

Me: "So...I did end up e-mailing him last night, a really short e-mail, just asking a hypothetical, that if I was in crisis, could I still contact him?" T: "What exactly did you say?" Me: "I don't remember." T: "That's not like you." Me: "Well, I rewrote it a couple times, then just sort of sent it off and didn't want to look at it again. I think I said that I would go to you first, but just wanted to know if he'd still be there if you or other people aren't available."

[Side note: My e-mail said, "Hypothetical (came up in session today): If I were ever in a crisis situation again, after trying other avenues, would it ever still be OK to reach out to you? If the answer is "no," that's OK, and I completely understand, I just want to know." And ex-MC replied this morning with: "Hi [LT]. At this point, it would probably be better to contact [Dr. T] first (just like you said in your e-mail, other avenues first). If other, more recent avenues/contacts are unavailable, then sure, you can contact me." Which I appreciated and made me tear up a bit.]

T: "So, you were sort of thinking of him as a safety net, in a way?" Me: "Yeah, plus, before, for a long time, I was seeing both him and ex-T, or him and you, so if something happened with one, I had the other. Or if one was on vacation, the other was usually in town." T: "Oh, I hadn't thought of it that way before. So now it's just me." Me: "Yes. And it's also...I've known you less than a year, but after...a certain amount of time, I'd known them longer...uh, that doesn't make any sense, but..." T: "You knew them better, knew how they'd react to things." Me: "Yes, exactly. And again, if something happened with one, I had the other one." T: "So, like, if I got hit by a truck, there wouldn't be someone else you could go to right now who knows you well." Me: "What?" T: "You said if something happened with me, I was trying to use an example where there wasn't a termination for other reasons." Me: "I didn't really mean if you died or terminated me, more like if we had a rupture." T: "Oh, OK."

T: "Or if I went on vacation to Australia for 3 weeks. Not that I have any plans to go on a vacation of that length, but I can see where you'd worry about that." Me: "Yeah, or on an African safari where you wouldn't have e-mail access." T: "Wow, that's really helping me with my bucket list." Me: "I'm helping plan your next few vacations!"

We got back to ex-MC topic and the e-mail. I said part of me wanted to know if he still cares. T: "Well, that's not what you asked him in the e-mail though." Me: "I know." T: "So his answer won't tell you that." Me: "Yeah, but I also want to know if I can reach out to him in a crisis, if he can still be on that list." T: Well, his response would tell you that." Me: "Yes. And if I asked if he still cared, he'd probably give me some generic response, like 'I care about all my former clients', which wouldn't help."

T: "The way you talk about him, it keeps reminding me of a romantic breakup." Me: "Yeah, you've said that before...and I understand what you mean." T: "Like wondering if he still cares about you, still thinks about you, I feel that's often what happens after a romantic relationship ends." Me: "Yes, I've certainly had that with an ex or two who I was involved with for a long time. And it's also been other way, if I've broken up with the guy, him checking in with me to see if I still care." T: "Exactly, it's natural to want to know." Me: "I'm not really that way about ex-T though." T: "Yeah, you don't really talk about her at all."

The stuffed elephant came up. I said how I was thinking of how he'd said how different stuffed elephant and stone were last session (forgot that part). And I was thinking that maybe it represented how I saw each of them, like ex-MC was maybe...more soft and squishy? Me: "While you are..." T: "More firm?" Me: "Maybe a little that, I was thinking...more strong, unwavering. Like in a good way, I don't know."

T: "So where is the elephant now?" Me: "I think it's shoved under D's bed, collecting dust." T: "Aw...that makes me think of that scene in Toy Story." Me: "Or Island of Misfit Toys in Rudolph." T: "What are you going to do with it?" Me: "I don't know, I don't want to throw it out. But..."

T: "So I'm going to go ahead and say this now. I'd like to give you something from the office to take with you on your beach trip." Me: "Really, are you sure?" T: "Yes. I appreciate how you asked me in the e-mail, because it gave me time to consider it." Me: "Yeah, I know last time you said you felt put on the spot, so with this I felt I gave you a few weeks to think about it." T: "You handled it well. So I'm thinking the session before you leave, we can look around the office and pick something. If you want the same stone, that's fine, but I understand if you want a different one, if that one is tainted now." Me: "I'll think about it. And whatever I take, I promise not to lose it on the beach or anything. Like I'd come back with some replacement and be like, 'This is definitely the stone I borrowed from you!'" T laughed and said he didn't think he was that attached to any stone in his office that he'd be upset if it went missing.

At some point he asked how I'd feel if he'd given me a stuffed animal as compared to ex-MC. I said, "Well, ex-MC didn't actually give me that, so..." T: "Right, but you associated it with him. I was just wondering how you'd react if I did that." [Side note: I don't think he has any stuffed animals in his office...] Me: "I think it would be different than with ex-MC. And, like if it was something little." T: "OK. Now I'm thinking it will end up being this list of options, like, 'Do you want to go with door #1 or door #2?'" I laughed, "Like an Amazon wish list or something." (I'm now curious as to whether he'd ever consider actually getting me something, but certainly wasn't going to ask...)

He said he had a couple clients who were musicians who would sometimes borrow something from his office for a performance to put in their music case as a good luck charm, then return it next session. This didn't hit me at the time, but after I left, I was thinking, Wait a minute, he said before he's never given a client a transitional object before. Maybe it's just in how he defines it? Like if it's for a set event, more of a good luck charm, it's OK, but for long-term, it's different? Something to ask Monday, I suppose... I also want to see if he remembers what they borrow, so I don't take the same thing...

Somewhere in there I also asked for clarification on his contact policy during a crisis, and he clarified more. That he just didn't want me to expect him to be available at all times and be upset if he wasn't. That he'd always try to get back to me that day, at least in 24 hours. I said he had been that way with e-mail, which I appreciated. I asked about phone calls, and he said that he did prefer in person, because on the phone he can't assess how someone is doing as well, like their affect, or how they're reacting to what he said. How he can be very direct in what he says and can't tell how people react to that on the phone. T: "Like just now, when I said that, I could see you shut down a bit, and I wouldn't know that on the phone." Me: "OK, I guess I was just thinking of something like...if I was out of town, like when I'm going to beach." T: "Oh, in that case, phone would be OK. Like we could set up a time to talk." Me: "OK, it helps to know that. I hope I won't have to talk to you while down there, but based on past years...it's just nice to have that safety net." T: "I understand."

Somehow, we still had a bit of time left. I said I wasn't sure whether to talk about other part of e-mail, how I worried about bringing up certain topics with him. T asked what sort of things I meant. Me: "I guess...anything related to transference? Like if I had a dream or some random thought, or I reacted in a certain way to something you said and wanted to explore that because it could mean something therapeutically, but then I'm afraid of how you'd react, so I avoid it." T: "Do you mean a dream about me? Or a random thought about me?" Me: "Yes. Now if sounds like I have a whole bunch of those...it's not that, it's just a few things that have come up in the past couple months where I wasn't sure whether to bring them up because things were going well and I didn't want to risk messing it up."

T: "Well, I think the couple conflicts we've had, we did a good job working through them. And things turned out OK, right?" Me: "Yeah, true. And I know you said if I made you uncomfortable, it was OK, we'd work through it." T: "Exactly. LT, I know you tend to be hyperanxious about what people are thinking of you." Me: "Yes." T: "I don't want you to have to be that way with me. I pledge to be honest with you, with how I'm feeling. So you don't ever have to wonder what I'm thinking." Me: "I appreciate that. It's just...I'm not used to that. So when you're honest with me...I always wonder what else you're feeling behind that that you're not telling me." T: "Well, you don't have to worry about that. I'll be upfront with you. I'd tell you before it built up into anything. OK?" Me: "OK.

Me: "It's still hard to accept your being that honest. Like I said, I'm just not used to it from...anyone in my life really. So it's maybe a little scary. Like that thing you said maybe a couple months ago, when you said, 'You affect me, LT.' I didn't know how to react to that and still don't. I knew I affected ex-MC in some ways, but he never would have said that. And ex-T...well, I guess she teared up a couple times when I was telling her something, which made it clear it affected her, but then it was also like, I'm making her sad, so maybe I shouldn't talk about this. So, I didn't know how to react to your saying that." T: "The truth is, we're affected by anyone we're in a relationship with." Me: "Yeah, I guess so, I'm just not used to the openness about it." T: "I want to be able to be open about my feelings and reactions with you. Like I was with the stone. And I want you to feel able to be open with me as well." Me: "I want to be able to be open with you, too."

We were at time. Me: "I expected to be more emotional this session. I worry because I wasn't, you're sitting there thinking, 'She didn't really need this session.' Or maybe it's just me projecting..." T: "I can assure you that I'm not thinking that. I trust you to know what you need." Me: "OK, I just wonder if you expected me to just be a sobbing lump on the couch today, and I wasn't." T: "If you'd been that, it would have been fine, too." Me: "OK. Part of this was also, we have some plans with friends tomorrow, and I didn't want to still be worrying about this. I think this session really helped. So thank you." T: "I'm glad it helped."

Paid, as I said, "It actually occurred to me that my credit card could be a sort of transitional object. You do hold it frequently!" T laughed and shook my hand as he said, "Have a good weekend. Enjoy." I said, "You too." T: "I'll see you Monday." Me: "See you then."

So, I think the session really helped. It's hard to get this across in a post, but T also seemed really warm and caring throughout. Like he really wanted to understand and connect with me. (Now I just hope he doesn't get hit by a truck over the weekend...)