Echos,

for me those ruptures in connection and communication happen when either T or I or both of us simulaneously jump to conclusions, without making sure that we're on the same page. Sorry you're right in the middle of this mess right now, and yes, it hurts like hell. But, as others have pointed out already, I have full confidence, both in you and your T that you manage to re-establish a connection that's working again and that is meaningful to both of you.


I'm wondering whether you would have been ok with it, had your T just said Thankyou for the message, and added that he was curious about it. (ie what is your (maybe unconscious) intention/motive behind it) And then left it there for both of you to explore the subject together. What I feel happened, is that your T drew his own conclusions (you putting yourself alongside his kids) which also seems a bit judgemental, since the implication is, that you were claiming a 'status' that wasn't yours to claim. And yes, that stings. Especially since he didn't hear you first and didn't ask your view on the matter and your motivation.


Well that's the thing, isn't it? That he left "therapy space" when he gave you his feedback, while you probably sent your message right from the middle of "therapy space". His (implicit) feedback is that you in a way violated his boundaries, and those boundaries seem to be a sore point for him from what you are writing. Especially since you don't strike me as a person who is prone to willingly violate other persons' boundaries (from what you are writing here on PC), on the contrary.

Yeah, I was wondering that. Maybe some sort of "pre-emptive measure"? More to contain his own feelings than to chastise yours?

What really works for current T and me is to take a couple of steps back and to try and gain some meta-perspective of the dynamics in the situation. This involves both of us sharing our perceptions, of ourselves, of the other, of our (maybe premature) conclusions of what is and isn't said, of voice, body posture, facial expression, whatever else... Basically total opposite from the blank slate approach, even though I'm sure, my T still filters what she shares and what she doesn't. Which is uncomfortable and painful in itself, but it helps me tremendously to better understand myself and my reactions. And also it creates a certain level of transparency. And yes, my T is able to admit when she drew the "wrong" conclusions from what I said or did...

From what you are writing you T seems to have admitted that implicitly already. At least, that's how I understood his remark about the father/therapist-perspective. But maybe you need a more explicit admission/excuse from him?

Also: do you know what else it is you need or want from him right now? What could he do to "repair" this chasm that has opened up? What would help you to regain your connection to him?

Also, what came to mind, you wrote that the sessions before your break felt rather distant (for whatever reason). I'm sure he picked up on that as well (he seems to be the type of guy to notice those things...). So another take on his (rather clumsy and un-thoughtful) remark could be that he is picking up on the discrepancy - the last sessions having a rather distant touch, and now you send him a Father's Day message. But again: It would have been much more appropriate to explore this together, and not to rush into some rather judgmental remark about your presupposed intentions.

Hope both of you manage to sort this out.

Best wishes, c_r