This could TRIGGER because it mentions sex, the sex industry, passively suicidal thoughts, feeling worthless, and such. I don't know if it will bother anyone, but I don't want to take chances.

This is something I feel I can admit here, if nowhere else. I have blunted emotions, sometimes, and I also lack motivation. Also, to some degree I don't care about myself or my life. It seems horrible to say you don't care, but can I help that I don't care? Maybe, maybe not. I'm unsure. Honestly, I think that I do care, but I just don't care enough. I don't care enough if I fail classes or if I ever graduate school. I have been in and out of school too many times to count and could have been graduating as a doctor by now if I'd tried. I've been signed up to college for so long it's embarassing. However, I keep dropping out, dropping back in, not showing up to classes, not trying my best on my work (or at all), sometimes not doing work nor handing it in. I drop classes left and right and sometimes drop out and don't even bother to withdraw. I've been on probation before, am on it again and running out of financial aid because I've taken and wasted so many hours, and I'm currently back on probation. If I mess up this semester, I'll prob. never get financial assistance again, yet I'm throwing it all away. I've barely went to any classes, have turned in absolutely no homework, etc. I don't even know why. I tell myself I don't care and for the most part feel as though I don't care, but on some level, I KNOW that I DO care.

I know that I care because going to class makes my IBS kick in when I feel like I'm doing poorly in school, and even if I know I'm skipping that day and don't have to face anything. It's as if I am stressed about messing up and my body is reacting to it. I also know that I care because I have stressful dreams about messing up in class even when I'm not enrolled in classes. I recently had one in whch an ex teacher, whom I liked, caught me skipping classes. He then seemed to insinuate that I was incapable of making good grades and lacked the mental competancy. I tried to point out that I HAD made good grades before and was capable of doing so, but I just didn't try, but he refused to look at the good scores on my transcript. I ended up getting so upset, feeling he was insinuating I was stupid, that I started yelling at him that I wasn't stupid, over and over again. I wasn't stupid, I just didn't try. After awhile, I got so enraged, I punched him in the face. In real life my GPA is attrocious, but I am capable of better. I feel stupid in one way, but yet, I realize I can do much better than I do, so why don't I? I procrastinate even when I enjoy doing something and when I know it will bring serious consequences if I don't. Why don't I try? I don't understand.

Sometimes I think it is because I've always had someone to give me everything. My mother has supported me my whole life and we're not rich, but we've never really been poor since I was born, either. Mom and dad were poor growing up, but not since they had me. Dad left, but mom's always went above and beyond when it came to taking care of me. Maybe I don't worry much about school because even though consciously I know I need to graduate and get a job, subconsciously I expect someone to always be here or maybe I just realize they won't be here, but I can't fully comprehend it because I have never experienced it. Yet, this can't be all of it. Even if I was filthy rich and knew I would always have that money, I hate for people to think I'm incompitant and ignorant, yet I continuously do things (mess up my education, get terrible grades) to make it appear as though I am. Also, I really would like a nice job, to be successful, and I want to learn and to expand my knowledge and abilities. Yet, I don't try. Also, I feel guilty and childish, ashamed and worthless, so why don't I try to change it? Also, I hate fighting with my mother when I mess up. It is stressful and I don't want to deal with that. Plus, I'm losing friendships by not being in class and I rarely make friends, anyway. I should cherish such an opportunity. Right now, I'm missing classes with a guy I really want to be friends with and throwing that away in the process, most likely.

Yet, in a way, I just don't care. Consciously, while awake, often times I feel little or no emotion about skipping a class even if they're having a test, not turning in homework, and basically tossing my whole life down the drain. However, last semester, when I started to mess up and thought it wasn't slavageable, I did take a nervous crying spell. Most of the time, though, I'm just blah about the whole affair. I think I expect to fail, so I don't try. I've come up with millions of reasons, but it is just so illogical. I can't understand myself. I mean, you would thionk if I'd found out what was behind it, I'd overcome it, but despite feeling I understand it better than ever, I'm worse than ever this semester in behaviour. Usually I start the semester out well, and end it badly, but this semester, I have done attrocious the whole way through except for about a week. Worse still, I have done so in EVERY class. Most semesters, I do good in one, anyway, at least for awhile.

I have many reasons that I think contribute to this issue, BUT in the end, I don't understand why I can't just overcome them now that I know they exist. My behaviour is so illogical that at this point all I can come up with to explain it, is that on top of all the other little reasons- to some degree, I just plain out don't care. I'm apathetic. I don't care. I don't care half the time if I get sick. Sometimes I think I wouldn't care if I died, but then another part of me is afraid. Also, there is that part of me that wants to live and have a good life. But part of me thinks I don't care. I don't care to get naked for money. I'd sell my body for enough money. I hope it is okay to post that. I know we aren't supposed to say too much about illegal activities, nor condone them, but since this is a mental health board I will assume there is a small degree of such talk accepted and expect. For instance, you can't talk about drug addiction without mentioning an illegal activity. However, I have never actually sold my body and no, I do not recommend it. So, I think it should be acceptable to admit I've thought about it. If it isn't, I apologize- just delete this part. Anyway, sometimes I think about selling it to get money to alter it surgically, so I can go into the legal sex industry and make money because right now, that's about my highest aspiration in life. Well, I have others, but let's face it, I'll never achieve them and I'll be lucky to achieve this. I don't care about bills, which I have stacked through the roof. I don't care about myself or my life. But I do care, don't I? I must care about school for instance because I'm having these dreams and IBS acting up when I come near school, etc. I don't understand. Do I care or not? What is this?