Hi Thirty Shades,

I empathize greatly with you about your current circumstances regarding your ex / children.

I am baffled how your son's girlfriend's Mother is handling the situation. Arguably her intentions MIGHT be good in that she MIGHT be trying to bring the family together. However, all you should have to do is tell her once that she is overstepping your boundaries and that it is NONE of her business. If she is a party to information such as your ex bugging your home and still expects you to drop it all, she is clearly unable to understand and simply cannot. I think you already know that trying to get her to understand is not worth the effort. Showing any form of vulnerability and trusts could lead you to getting hurt. In fact, I would set major boundaries with her because she might be sharing information with your son and that might form a triangle with your ex. This would be a potentially toxic situation for you, one that you cannot win. Better to leave it alone. Toxicity breeds toxicity. Steer clear of the drama triangle and learn to build supports outside of it.

In regards to them saying you will miss out on memories: that is called hoovering. It is a tactic that abusers use to draw you back in. Abusers are masters at figuring out your triggers and using them to their advantage; in this case, what better way then to dangle potential memories in front of your face and cause you guilt and shame if you should happen to get healthy and set boundaries and not show up. It is disturbing! Unfortunately so many of us get caught up in abusive relationships because we don't recognize the common traits and red flags that float around abusers. Do not feel as though you are missing out on memories if you know those memories would be tainted by your Ex. Instead, find out ways to make your own memories. There are tons of opportunities to hang out with your children and extended family without your Ex.

Would you hang out with the family if your Ex was not present? I think that is a perfectly healthy boundary for you to set and if your children do not respect that, they are simply too immature to understand and respect you.

I have had to go no-contact with my father and brother and for a time my mother. I have also gone no-contact with several of my friends. All of these people were toxic to me and abusive and simply had to go. I understand what you mean when you say enough is enough and no-contact is the only option. Our bodies tell us a lot about those we interact with. If I spend an hour with my brother I feel under attack; and I am psychologically. He is a Narcissistic abuser, as is my Father. I simply will not subject myself to that abuse anymore. I experienced the same thing when I went no-contact with my family members. My Mom would always try to draw me back into situations where I would see my Brother and I would tell her off. It was hard at first to miss out on family events, but eventually it got easier and I found self-respect and empowerment by doing what I needed to do to protect myself. In the end, I simply went to family events that did not include my brother or father. I would also approach extended family members one on one while making my rounds to see everyone on my own. It provides an opportunity to have more personalized conversations and even a chance to explain your absence if you feel you are ready to do so.

Thanks,
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