Thanks for the reply, Perna. It's nice to have someone respond that can relate or knows someone that can relate, and to actually hear that there is hope for improvement. Sometimes, I feel hopeless. I mean, I feel like my problems in this area are mostly my fault- even if I can't help what drives me to it, I can resist that urge and do better. Yet, I feel hopeless because it seems no matter what my original intentions and desires, I always end up back here, throwing it away again. I'm afraid this time I've thrown it away one time too many.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
....I continued in night school after I graduated college, taking courses that "interested" me, didn't even have the pressure of having to do well but I dropped out, didn't go to finals (when getting an A up until finals) and all sorts of other such actions).

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

<- I can definitelty relate to that. Like you, I have also skipped finals even when I've had an A up to that point. I've done it at least twice. Also, I take courses that interest me, too, and I still don't try. I can't understand it. Actually, I think that is part of the reason I didn't try this semester. You see, the class I wanted to take more than anything (Creative writing) wasn't full, and after having wanted to take it for years and always being unable to, I signed up. Then, I ended up misunderstanding the date something was supposed to be turned in and got behind. After that, I think I got discouraged because I'd fallen behind so quickly, everyone else's work was so superior (everyone shares with the entire class), I didn't try as much, fell further behind, and well.....when I messed that class up, I just didn't care as much about school in general this semester.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
You can go back later, you can get scholarships, etc.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Unfortunately, I'm not sure what I can get a scholarship on. I'm not athletic, at all, and thanks to my past behavior, my GPA is worthless.

I am currently seeing a therapist, but I am unemployed. I agree with you tha a job would do me good, but the thought of paying back those bills actually discourages me. I know it sounds irresponsible and selfish- maybe it is- but it's just that my medical bills are so HIGH. I don't have a house or a car, and while other people are buying land, homes, and vehicles, I'll be paying this off. I owe nearly $30,000 in medical bills, and that is after one hospital did away with what I owed them. It will take me forever to pay it off, especially on a minimum wage salary which will be about all I'll be making without a college degree. It's hard enough to get by on minimum wage, let alone get by on it and pay off $30,000 in med. bills. Then, after its all done I'll be sitting there with no house, a crappy car, and no land because all of my money went in to those bills.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I had to pay for my braces when I was 30, since I was an adult and not a 14 year old kid anymore, and it was one of the best things that ever happened to me so far

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> <- I'll agree with you that it would do me some good if I were forced to work for some reason. I really should try to get a job.

You mentioned I should explore other avenues and return to school. Right now I've been getting more involved with social organizations. Actually, right now I'm working with an organization that works on many issues- discrimination/equal rights, financial assistance for the poor, and environmental issues. It's new for me and I care about many of the issues they're concerned about, plus some of the people are really interesting and nice. Also, I want to work more with creative writing, because ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be a writer. However, I just don't feel like I'm good enough.

Right now, I think part of my problem is that I don't think I'll ever have what I want out of life. When I was a kid, I had several goals. Some of the big ones were as follows:

1. Get saved. I was raised by a fairly conservative Christian family- don't worry, it didn't make me judgemental and I don't care if you or anyone else here is Christian or not- so I was worried about hell.

2. To be a writer.

3. The obvious- a car and a house....and some land.

4. To fall in love and get married- I wasn't so sure about babies, though.

5. To help make a positive difference in the world.

6. To learn to scuba dive.

Besides that I had some more goals, but those were some of the major ones. Today, it isn't looking good. Sure, I can still get a scuba diving certificate. I'm not making much progress on the car, land and home, but I guess I can pull it off if I actually TRY. Five is looking iffy. I want to make a positive difference, but more often than not I feel I bring more bad than good into the world. I'm hoping to change that. However, 1, 2, and 4 aren't looking good. I don't want to get into religion because it bothers so many people, but I'll just say I have no idea what will happen to me when I die, and I'm afraid to find out. I don't know if that will ever change, either. I don't think I'm talented enough to be a writer. And, as for love- well, me and love are over, but that is an issue for another post. I just honestly believe with all sincerity, that I will die alone. I feel so empty and lonely right now, and I don't think I'll ever get what I want out of life, so I suppose I don't see the point in trying at all sometimes. However, I know this is not the only cause behind my behavior because I've been doing this in school ever since.....well, let's see..... middle school...maybe grade school. I wasn't this way until at least 4th grade and it wasn't bad till 5th, 6th, or 7th. Not sure which. Prob. 6th or 7th.

Anyway, I appreciate your positive and understanding response. Congrats on being with your husband for 20 yrs and on your 4.0, by the way! That's great. I'm glad you and your stepson worked things out for yourselves and I hope I can, too. Somedays, it doesn't look like it's going to happen, but it is nice to see someone who has been there and gotten through it just fine.