Dear Good Previous T,

Earlier in Friday’s session I brought up ’prev very bad Pdoc’ and ‘what is rape,’ ‘was it rape,’ etc.

T said something about how a person can feel confused about whether it’s abuse if the intimacies are also pleasurable. She mentioned ‘pleasurable’ a few times.

I don’t think I have told either of you that I never felt pleasure during the intimacies with ’prev very bad Pdoc.’ I remember feeling scared as he locked the front door and came toward me. We were on the couch in the waiting room.

I told him I felt scared. He told me he didn’t want me to feel scared.

After while, he asked me to come with him to a room in the back of the office. I had never been in that room before. There was a chair and there was an exam table. The exam table didn’t have any exam paper on it.

He had all the lights on. I asked him to turn off the lights. He did.

Nothing he did was pleasurable to me, though he tried. He noticed.

It didn’t hurt or anything. It didn’t feel like anything. The only emotions I remember are anxiety, then later there were a bunch of emotions when he made me do the thing I had said ‘no’ to. Fear, shock, repulsion, etc.

I know from his actions that he felt pleasure. Not me.

I think T assumes I feel conflicted bc I ‘felt pleasure.’ But that’s not the case.

I just want you to know so you have my story straight.