So, I tried to write the following post well and with much thinking, but I might have written how ever much of it poorly and/or conveyed my responses poorly...

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Originally Posted by BlackCat13 I am still looking into NPD and finding more information. Yes, he would switch himself like, "Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde." He has a desire to make friends and to be liked by them. But at the same time, he views those around him as stupid or inferior. He has mentioned to me that he is not normal. On the occasion, he would say that he finds it difficult to relate to people. I thought he was focusing on his anger problems, not these other parts of himself that I am now understanding.

Yeah, you'll find how ever many webpages about NPD (and interconnected topics) on the internet, including conflicting theories, personal accounts, scholarly articles and more.

I apologize because I think that I poorly wrote my paragraph that contained the "Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde" term. I am typing with overly generalizations in order to try to emphasize what are typical tendencies and behaviors according to the research that I've been learning, studying and interpreting.



I say the following to reiterate that I am not (trying to) stereotyping, but rather overly broadly describe NPD behavior may be expressed in general and the behavior of my ex girlfriend. Narcissism is on a spectrum, even NPD is. Moreover, it is a behavioral disorder that is subjective in how it is expressed (as in the person of NPD) and how it is (mis)interpreted (those who are not of NPD and interacting/observing someone who is.)



Consequently, in general, people with NPD express Narcissistic behavior differently. With that said, there are fundamental behaviors (actions, perspectives, sayings, words and so on) that people of NPD seemingly share and/or similarities. If the NPD is severe enough, it may be considered Antisocial Personality Disorder (and there are combinations of personality disorders as we’ve discussed.) (There is more to explain, but I’ll stop for sake of reading/time.)

With that said, a chief and typical aspect of some people of NPD is that s/he will have an appearance ("mask") of seemingly how s/he is to others and in public in general, but s/he will reveal himself/herself to be how ever differently to the person, who will become the victim, in private when they are not in public, around others and so forth. In general, the revealing is primarily when the other is (deeply) emotionally attached to the person, dependent on the person, and/or other possible features like we discussed in the last post. Until the revealing starts, the person maintains the appearance of his/her projected self even to the other.



There is a facade that the person displays in every day life for himself and for others to use others as supply/fuel to convince himself/herself of his/her appearance as how s/he is and and as a means for his/her objectives. (There is more to explain, but I will leave it at that for sake of reading/time.)



(The following paragraph is more complicated than what I wrote, but I am attempting to write what I did for sake of reading/time.)

Likewise, the person typically seems to have a self-perspective of superiority, "special" and entitlement while belittling and badmouthing others whom the person deems as "beneath him/her"; however, the person might also "idolize" some others and/or "put" some others "on a pedestal" (for how ever long.) The person of NPD will not usually bash or even criticize those whom s/he seemingly idolizes or associates as “someone of status.” Even some of those, whom the person might call "friends," are usually merely "fans" and sources of fuel for him/her. S/he might denigrate them when not around them to his/her boyfriend/girlfriend, who is or will be the victim.

In some cases, "friends" of someone with NPD are in general not friends, but rather "fans." They are there for the person to continually perpetuate his/her appearance and self-deception of such behaviors. (I could write more, but I'll leave it at that for sake of reading/time.)

My exgirlfriend would tell me that she is "blessed," but she would convey such a perspective not with humility. She seemed to convey it with expectation, entitlement, superiority and arrogance. I especially claim the aforesaid statement after reflection, my research and learning as I have. She would also tell me that she was "destined for greatness" and that her father told her that throughout her life as well. She would say the aforementioned phrases and others, even when the context of conversation did not seem appropriate and/or relevant.



Even though she held the aforementioned views, she was highly insecure, feared abandonment, and other interlinked aspects (which she tried to hide most effectively from others and deceive herself from being.) Her joke nickname to her friends was “queen,” which during my history with her, I tried to figure out such cause(s). I attempted to understand why they would jokingly refer to her as “queen” NAME. Was it a reference to her physical qualities, behavioral, clothing, interests, a other factors, combinations? In general, she was viewed as being incredibly, physically attractive. With that said, she would also be bossy, domineering and assume “control” with groups of people. For example, if they were out during the night, she would assume charge and start dictating the night for them all.



Well, after research, she most likely viewed herself as a “queen” in multiple meanings as aforesaid, but she would try to deny the qualities that were “unfavorable” according to her interpretation of other’s interpretation of “unfavorable” (e.g. rude, arrogant, bossy.)

Such aforesaid perspectives/beliefs are examples of the projected self that is the appearance, yet the person is aware that s/he is not like his/her projected self, but continually tries to convince himself/herself that how she appears is indeed how she is and how s/he is is not how s/he is. Hence, s/he projects how s/he is (not his/her appearance/projected self) unto the victim. (Again, I could explain more but, I will leave it at that for sake of time/reading.)

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Originally Posted by BlackCat13 When he described his father, he seemed to be a no-nonsense type of man that demands his way only. My ex told me that he speaks to both his parents every day. But this is not true, his mother calls him but his father rarely does. However, he respects his father and wants to achieve his same level of success (being a multimillionaire). In his eyes, his father is perfect regardless that he also has very short patience, experiences memory loss (could be from old age), lack of physical affection (does not hug his children or kiss his wife), irrational anger (while at a restaurant, his father yelled at nearby guests to stop smoking but they were in an area where it was ok to do so). He also does not want to disappoint his father and hides things that he is embarrassed about (getting caught by the law for selling drugs, he told me that he was bored and doesn't know why he did it because he didn't need the money).

Some of what you wrote seems to pertain to some of what I wrote in the above paragraphs. With that said, there seem to be three main theories for the origin of NPD. They are based in familial interaction, specifically the relationships between the parents and the child(children).



They are: over pampering, abuse/neglect or a mixture of both. When the child is neglected/abused, s/he feels and/or is conditioned to perceive himself/herself as “inadequate” because of the parents telling such perspectives to the child, abusing the child, neglecting the child, and/other actions and combinations.



Another important action that the child performs is “splitting,” which is especially pertinent to one or both parents, who are abusing/neglecting the child. Splitting is approximately the action of separating a person and his/her qualities as either “all positive” or “all negative” and viewing the person accordingly (all “positive” or all “negative”) and such views can switch whenever. Consequently, the child might idolize (or a similar view) a parent(s) and/or despise the parent, depending upon the circumstances. When the child is over pampered, the child accepts and is conditioned to view himself/herself as how ever the parent is treating him/her (e.g. “special”) and/or describing (e.g. “perfect”) him/her to him/her.


All three are different routes that result in the child not developing his/her inner self while simultaneously developing a projected self that is dependent on others (such as the parents to start.) Moreover, the child becomes dependent on (and even addicted to) others, the approval of others, their attention, admiration, adulation, adoration and more. The inner self remains undeveloped as the child physically matures, but his/her mental maturity is also often underdeveloped. Additionally, the person will usually have a mental “maturity” level of when s/he started developing NPD (e.g. five years old,”) which also explains the person’s immaturity in general (“bratty child” as you typed,) Narcissistic rage (partially) and other interlinked features.


From what you write, it’s possible that his father is of NPD and/or different abusive behaviors. Additionally, your ex boyfriend might idolize his father (even though he might split his perception of his father) and attempt to be like him (in multiple aspects and in general.) As for his mother, there seems to be more of a mix of his perspectives of her. Any of his family members (e.g. mother, father, sister) might serve as a flying monkey. (Also, keep in mind that someone of NPD will seemingly compliment someone, depending upon the circumstances of that person and in general, admire him/her and more not because s/he does indeed share such perspectives, but s/he fabricates a façade of sharing those perspectives in order to use that person.)

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Originally Posted by BlackCat13 If we were out in public together, he usually pushed me into the role of his mother by way of his anger. He would become agitated and annoyed because we were in public (he does not like crowds because it feels like everyone is looking at him) although he was the one that wanted to go there (mall, restaurant, movies). He does not get along with his sister but respects her because she has a high paying job and seems to be on the same path of success of their parents. He disagrees with everything else about her. Once and a while he would say that his family is messed up and has a lot of problems that still continue into today. I didn't think hard on this since every family has their own issues. In the same breath, he will say they are perfect and that I want to date him to be part of his perfect family (not true).

Yeah, I might not have too much of an accurate guess on your aforesaid message that I quoted due to lack of info for me and other causes (I am not asking you to divulge more,) but there are multiple possibilities that I could address. I think that we already might have (somewhat) discussed the following, but in case we did not, appearance (façade) is one of the main features and one of the most if not the most important aspect of NPD.



Moreover, the appearance is the projected self. With that said, the person of NPD also assigns high importance to appearances such as physical, emotional, psychological and more. For example, the appearance of socioeconomic status, especially what society deems as “wealthy” might be extremely important to the person. With that said, if your ex boyfriend finds such aspects to be important, he might pretend to view someone favorably because s/he is of wealth (an ends that the person of NPD wants.) He might want to appear wealthy himself, want to use someone to access his/her wealth and/or other motives.


Your perspective of your ex boyfriend “pushing the role of his mother” onto you might very well be accurate; however, there are other possibilities (which are more typically associated with NDP.) By the way, “paranoia” is also a trait that is associated with ASPD and NPD, but I am not claiming that your depiction of his behavior about being in public constitutes paranoia, that he is of NPD and so forth. With that said, there are other possible explanations for his perspectives about being in public, with you in public and so forth.

Again, this is just theoretical about your ex boyfriend… the different perspectives, which might even contradict, are associated with NDP. Even though people in general might hide content about himself/herself, the person of NPD will have conflicting stories about his/her past, family, family past and so on. Moreover, as your description of his depiction about his family and his family’s past reads, notice the polarities between his family as “perfect” and “messed up/problems.”

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Originally Posted by BlackCat13 When I described how he made me feel, he responded that it sounded like emotional abuse. I did not take it as him admitting to it because there was no apology or changed behavior. So I assumed that he didn't quite understand what he was doing. But I could be wrong, his actions and words were oftentimes confusing to me.

hmmm... If he is defining your description of his actions as "emotional abuse" he is understanding and admitting that his actions are defined as "emotional abuse." Whether or not he admitted it explicitly and admitted explicitly to you as in saying, "I admit that I emotionally abused you" (just an example) is a different topic. An apology is not necessary to acknowledge.



Additionally, another explanation for a lack of an apology is that in some cases with people of NPD, there is no reason to apologize in general because they are perfect in their mind, have nothing for which to apologize and/or other possible factors, but they are just engaging in self deception. Moreover, they seemingly are "perfect" to themselves, have nothing for which to apologize and so forth because they do not take responsibility (for their actions, words, behavior) and project their mistakes, flaws, behaviors and actions and so forth unto the victim as if the victim is the actor of such aforesaid aspects. Consequently, the person of NPD is then "perfect" since s/he displaces and projects all his/her negative qualities unto the other.

Unfortunately, your last sentence is indeed consistent with what we are discussing because the person's actions frequently do not match their words, whether they are contrary, contradicting or another possibility.

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Originally Posted by BlackCat13 Yes, this is exactly what it was like. It got the point where he would tell me that what I was either laughing about or making a joke about was completely stupid and not funny. Since he never understood my humor, I tried to joke in the same mean way as him. I made jokes about him getting calls and texts from girls, but this only infuriated him and prompted him to speak down on me.

I empathize with you and wish you were not subjected to such behavior and scenarios. The account in your paragraph seems to yet be another example of his "standard" for you while he was held to no standard. For him, his degradation of you was fine, yet, for him, your attempts to degrade him were not fine.



Additionally, he seems to possibly exhibit "Narcissistic rage," which is when the person of NPD will literally lash out due to any (mis)perceived insult, action (or lack there of,) word (or lack there of) and/or behavior (or lack there of.) Incidentally, you might have been reminding him that he was not "superior," "perfect" and/or other possible perspectives. As a result, he became "infuriated" as you typed.

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Originally Posted by BlackCat13 This was a regular occurrence. I wouldn't confront him about it because he would yell at me. But there were these hidden rules that I had to abide by. Ex: His statements were accepted facts, while anything he disagreed on with me was complete stupidity and illogical. This is when he would try to change my reality and make it seem like my memory could not be trusted. I always thought the silent treatment wasn't a big deal since if he were to talk to me, it was to start an argument. But it was also annoying if I were to send him a text and he would either not answer or do so much later on although he has his phone on him in case his mother would call.

In addition to gaslighting, he also seems to have engaged in (logical) fallacies, word salad and more. Such behaviors again are associated with people of NPD, including high end of the spectrum NPD (where Antisocial Personality Disorder starts according to some theories.)

The silent treatment is one of the most damaging forms of emotional and psychological abuse in a relationship. Although it may (I am not saying that it was not) not have been severe in your relationship, the silent treatment can be extreme. I can attest to extreme cases of the silent treatment with my ex girlfriend.



My personal anecdotes aside, communication crumbles as one person attempts to control and dictate the other while conditioning him/her through emotional and psychological pain, suffering, torture, isolation and more. The silent treatment can also be used for other purposes such as condition someone to accept invented guilt and/or responsibility for several possible causes. There are other effects of the silent treatment as well. You'll find plenty of info on it if you choose to research it. I could also send link(s).

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Originally Posted by BlackCat13 I noticed that even when he would present me with some form of freedom, it really wasn't. He would demand to pay for my food no matter what (I think this was for the purpose of controlling rather than being generous). Although I would not ask him to take me to places (I felt a little weird that he always wanted to pay since I was more than capable of doing so) he would ask me "what do I want to eat", when I made suggestions he would say no until I suggested a place that he liked. It was always up to him. I told him that I noticed this and he laughed about it. It's a small thing to anyone, but this is how he would try to show control over me in every way possible. I could only eat when he was hungry or to places he liked. This extended into activities and anything else that he wanted to do.

So, he seemingly was (always) in control, even when he offered the illusion of choice, decision and so forth to you. As long as you decided, chose or did what and/or how he approved, he was ok with it. My ex girlfriend exhibited such behavior as well. Again, such behavior is associated with NPD.



The following might be relevant, but maybe not… The other is merely a means, objective, possession, toy, reflection of and for the person, who is in control. There are not two people, but one person, who is indoctrinating the other to become and serve as merely an extension of that person. Additionally, his “generosity” was merely a means to an end as you’ve indicated. He tried to appear as “generous,” but that was just a front for him to control you.



His laughter is possibly a confirmation that he was aware of such behavior and control, yet he tried to act like that his behavior was not as it was and that he was not controlling you. In other words, you signaled to him that you were conscious of what he was doing and how he was being, but he tried to “play it off” like your observations warranted “laughter” (as in possibly ridiculous.)


I can vividly recall instances when my ex girlfriend laughed at me, reacted how ever to me and so forth when I conveyed that she (might be) using, abusing, manipulating me and more. She even smiled a few times when I was in front of her and was visibly suffering, in pain and more due to her severe psychological and emotional abuse. She seemingly derived pleasure from my pain in those situations, which is associated with ASPD, but her smiles were much later in our history in the last months or so.

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Originally Posted by BlackCat13 Yes, I agree. I realized this a few times. First, it was rare for him to admit to his faults so I became used to him not apologizing. But when he did, he always backtracked later on and shifted the blame on me. When I tried to confide in him about the recent passing of my father, he created an argument. I am still lost on this one because we were both saying the same thing about the situation, there was no disagreement. But he started to accuse me of being difficult and argumentative what seemed to be out of nowhere. This was one where I was not going to "break" and submit to him. After sending him a series of texts he later apologized and admitted that he should've been more supportive, that he had no reason to become like that. At that moment I thought he understood his illogical and irrational behavior. But a month later he blamed me for the argument and said it would've never happened if I just listened to him (although there was no difference between what we said about the situation). He frequently made the point to say that if I listen to him my life would be a lot better.

Again, I’m not claiming that your boyfriend is of NPD. From what you are describing, he might find apologizing extremely difficult because his very defenses are designed to protect him from being at fault, responsible, being self critical and other actions that pertain to apologizing. (such behavior is associated with NPD)

If I am understanding correctly, you are writing that when you tried to confined in him about the passing of your father, he engaged in a verbal altercation with you? A person, who is extremely selfish, self centered and more (such as of NPD,) lacks emotional empathy. Moreover, the person lacks tolerance in spending conversation, thought, attention and effort in anything that does not place them at the center and/or is not centered around him/her. Consequently, your boyfriend may have behaved as he did due to the aforesaid premises.


My girlfriend lacked emotional empathy and would do as we are describing when she was somehow not at the center. The person treats and views the other not as a person, but merely as an extension and more as we’ve noted. Thus, the interests, life, thoughts, emotions and more of the other not only do not matter to the person, but the other has none. The other is without a self. S/he is there to obey and satiate the insatiable of the person of NPD.


From what you wrote, he seems to have engaged in multiple forms of psychological and emotional abuse such as gaslighting, shifting the blame, denial (of responsibility, behavior and actions,) projection (of behavior, actions and responsibility) and probably others such as silent treatment. A continual and severe denial of responsibility and lack of apology are both associated with NPD (I think that we’ve mentioned this to a degree.)

Some people of NPD also lack object constancy and whole object relations. Whole object relations is approximately the recognition that a person is of both flaws and not of flaws. It is acknowledging that a person, including himself/herself is not perfect. Without whole object relations, a person is either of all “positive” qualities or of all “negative” qualities. Consequently, some people of NPD view the other as all “positive” or all “negative” and switch back in between, depending upon circumstances (even one moment to the next.)


Example: “We might be having an altercation, but I am still aware that we (allegedly) like/love one another, share a past together and more” instead of “In this moment, I hate you. There is no past. We do not (allegedly) like/love one another.”

Object constancy is interlinked to whole object relations. It is more or less maintaining a relationship with someone and/or perspectives (including acknowledging how the two share a history of love/like and so forth between one another) about someone when the person is not around, during an altercation or some scenario that the two people are at odds with one another. Without object constancy, a person might literally hate the other during an altercation because s/he does not acknowledge prior and current history such as emotions and perspectives (of like, love and so forth.)

Example: “My girlfriend consists of both qualities that I like and dislike. She is not perfect” as opposed to “She is perfect. She is entirely flawed.”
Without both whole object relations and object constancy, the person is likely to flip between “loving” and “hating” the person and not acknowledging the past (even if it is one second ago) of (alleged) love, like and so forth.


As a result, the lack of whole object relations and object constancy might explain to how ever much of a degree the flipping between moments of tension, then later apologizing. During altercation, he may have literally did not like you, viewed you as all flawed and shared no alleged attachment to you.