I’m writing about this because I am an insecure, unconfident, and anxious male. I suppose this preface can serve as a sort of list of symptoms that I’ve had because of what I think to be a result of bad parenting. I’ll delve into this deeper as we go along. I would also like to note that I have a terrible time translating feelings and emotions into words. This paper is a first in terms of actually trying to identify where, why, and how these feelings are coming about. I’m an expert at bottling up emotions. I’ve never defied my parents or spoken out of turn or argued with them. I’m a kid who does what he’s told and how he is told to do it. According to them I’m a great kid who has a bright future. But recently I’ve identified this feeling that I’ve had in the pit of my stomach for the longest time. I can’t remember when it came about, but it’s been years since I’ve acknowledged its existence. I’ve only identified that feeling as frustration up until this point but lately that feeling has been metabolizing into something far stronger: hate. White-hot, blazing hot, melt your face off hate. Hate with resentfulness and disgust and just raw anger directed at two people who you are supposed to idealize and cherish. I’ve come to recognize and really pick apart the way my parents live their life along with what they stand for and what ideals they support and all I can find in reaction to this is disgust. They give in to the most primitive of ways to go about living life and I resent them for it. I resent them for it because their ideologies have infected me with this primitive state of being. My father is a classic alpha-male. As a result of being bullied terribly as a child he has assumed this state of mind of being top dog wherever he goes. He’s proud of it, too, which makes it all the more difficult for me to come to terms with. How can someone be so outwardly and openly naive about their confidence and stature in society? My mother is even worse. She gives in to this and is submissive to him and calls him “her king,” and she’ll do “whatever he asks.” I abhor the way they think about life, it’s absolutely disgusting and I hate them for it. My mother and father are immigrants from Bosnia and Herzegovina. A barbaric land filled to the brim with even more of this nasty and repulsive patriarchy. I always told myself to defy this state of being and this lifestyle, this is what I’ve been bottling up for my entire life. For years my father would bark orders and if any defiance arose he would deal with it with and iron fist. It was his way or the highway. He has this attachment to things and materials that he “worked for” and he sits proudly upon his throne in his home that he earned until he has to go to work again. I see nothing wrong with taking pride in what you have earned but to flaunt it so openly is so wrong and repulsive. What’s worse is that he doesn’t openly do these things, despite what I just said. He does these things in a manner where you know the message he’s trying to get across. He openly makes clear that he can easily take away anything that is yours, because he paid for it. Then he complains about how expensive children are and how much we are costing him but at the same time one can see his genuine concern and care for the wellbeing of his children. My mother had two children with another man before she met my dad and those kids are deluded beyond belief. They were both rebellious kids, perhaps because they didn’t have an actual dad, they had mine. My “half-brother” got into selling marijuana and was jumped in his apartment one night, now he has scar tissue surrounding his brain and isn’t even close to the person he once was. He now drives trucks for a living, like my father. My “half-sister” is now a bartender who is now talking once again to a guy who abuses her physically and emotionally. My half-sister does not have a good relationship with my mother so she is essentially estranged at this point. My half-brother has a better relationship with my mother but clearly harbors anger toward her. The other day he had an outburst claiming that all she ever called him was a retard and she didn’t protect him from the bad kids in elementary school and that was why he was a bad kid in life and that’s why he ended up in the position that he’s in today. I dislike both of these people because they belittle me and my accomplishments similar to that of a child who gets patted on the head for drawing a colorful picture, similar to how my father treats my accomplishments. And I can see my younger brother following in these footsteps. Already I can see evidence of a hidden-self behind his eyes. Only he isn’t so good at concealing it as I. He’s only 9 but he’s been exposed to enough evil, so to speak, to know what is right and wrong and how clearly the people around him are indulging in the wrong. I’m trying so hard to analyze these people and try and come up with a result as to why I am the person I am today: an insecure, unconfident, and anxious guy. Today I went to the gym and turned the radio off and didn’t even bother rolling the windows down as I normally do because I like the warm air brushing against my cheek and arm as I listen to whatever is on the radio. Then I refused to continue to workout because there was a person from school next to the squat rack I wanted to use and went home. I didn’t want to look stupid because I don’t have form down pat so I went home, then for some reason I started to ask myself who do I think I am trying to workout? You don’t deserve this. Why? I don’t get it. Why am I so obsessed with how other people perceive me? Why am I so anxious around other people? Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a personality and that I’m just a weirdo who has trouble connecting with other people. Why am I not attracted to women as I should be? Why can’t I be a kid who has normal friends and a normal state of mind where he doesn’t constantly worry what other people are thinking about him in a group conversation? Why is it such a challenge converting what I feel into words? Everything I used to love doing I don’t like as much anymore. I’m finally going to college and all the kids in my class are excited for freshman year and out celebrating with their friends but I, for some godforsaken reason, couldn’t care less about starting college. I used to be so excited about studying and taking on the challenge of a hard class and doing well in school. Why don’t I feel like that anymore? I’m trying to piece together the factors that might have impacted me in such a way that I feel this way and I can only come up with this idea that my parents are a pair of close-minded assholes who belittle their children and take away their confidence? What’s even more infuriating is that sometimes they’ll ask me for an honest opinion like “You’re becoming a man now, what do you think about xyz?” Where do you get off?? I’m becoming a man? What a primitive thing to say! NO **** This frustration I’ve been feeling for the longest time has evolved into hate directed toward my parents and now I’ve come to hate even myself, despite my efforts to stray away from their way of life. I’m terribly apprehensive, anxious, troubled, unsure, downright afraid of myself because I don’t even know what I am anymore. I hardly have a personality, I can’t even name the type of music I like, my old hobbies still interest me but they don’t bring as much joy as they did before. I feel numb and I can’t ****** stand it. I’m convinced that years of being mentally harassed is the result of my state of being today. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin and I simply can’t stand it anymore. How do I get out of this hellhole?