My boyfriend and I had a tiff yesterday. He is terminally ill and I care for him much of the time. He apologized sfter, but this is happening too much. He gets into cursing and swearing (like calling me a "crazy b×÷ch" and yelling, "What the effs wrong with you?") My end of the exchange often isn't much more enlightened. These spats occur frequently. In less than a day, we're usually lovey-dovey again.

I know there is something seriously sick about our relationship. This has been going on for a very, very long time.In between spats, we can be very content in being together.

The trouble is I keep tumbling down into depression. He's always thought that depression is "just something you do to yourself." My whole family felt pretty much the same way. I have never, ever gotten compassionate support from anyone close to me.

I feel very alone. I have been awake all night. My gums are sore from lack of oral hygiene. I'm embarrassed to admit that. I keep having spells of feeling pretty well, even quite chipper. But they keep alternating with episodes of depression marked by me getting only the bare necessities done.

His attendant will be here soon for 8 hours. I have to make the place presentable before she gets here. Then I'll go to bed and sleep most of today away. I'm so sleepy now.

I wish I could turn to someone, but I figure it's up to me to just snap out of it.

Sometimes I regret that I was ever born