It is a gift of sorts, and also how he's helping me see what other people in my life might be thinking, but not saying, in reaction to what I do. It's just a very difficult gift to accept, because as much as I hate not knowing what people are thinking, it's also what I'm used to. And some of what he told me before about his reaction to my holding the stone, that hurt like hell. But then, he's also still there, he didn't make me leave, he's still listening and caring and even offering to give me something again, though just for a set time. It's just so hard for me to trust in that... but maybe that's where the therapy is?

I thought what I had wanted was what I got for a long time from ex-MC--what felt like total acceptance, with frequent reassurance. Until...that ended abruptly. But I suppose that's not real life. As much as I felt like that could maybe help heal childhood wounds (and he seemed to suggest that, too, how resolving transference can help rewrite old stories)...I don't know that it really did. Or, to some extent, maybe, just having the experience of feeling really accepted and understood. Even if maybe it wasn't real. Yet I still kept feeling the need to test him, and I don't think that urge is there as much with current T. (Have I tested him? Yes. But do I keep doing it? Much less so, even though maybe from the outside, someone reading on this forum, might think I'm testing him just as much.)

That's an interesting comment, how you said you think you learn who you are from your connections to other people. That makes a lot of sense. I need to think on that some more.