I've seen that calm you describe, and yes it is pretty creepy esp if you can recognize it in yourself. I have at times been creeped out by some feelings and thoughts I have had when I am unwell.

It's good you refrain from torturing and killing small animals as it is easy to get addicted to causing pain and sometimes this can escalate to people. It is also something that can be overcome as long as you don't act out.

I would try to get some insight into why you've been rejected for 36 straight interviews. Have you gotten any feedback from those? Is it possible to hire a coach to improve your interviewing skills? You know what they say about the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Also am wondering what love means to you.