thanks rapunzel for replying - i guess it is an harder question that i thought, funny how simple things can actually be totally complex!

"""Laugh, cry, sing, yell, scream, write, talk to somebody"""

Good ideas, i'm just awful at doing these so i may need some help. I can be a raging war inside my body but it never comes to the front (except with dep symptoms) so i appear very calm. My SH is usually never impulsive nor particually distructive through rage, it is usually consciously planned. You would think this would give me time to rethink but plans have to be carried out.

So with this feeling of failure. I obviously can't laugh about it, i could try and cry but i rarely cry so it feels unnatural, sing....lol i actually may try that one, just make sure its the right song! Yell/Scream.....at who? It seems so aggressive...My writing is always plain and never conveys anything true. I have lots of ppl i could talk to (i am thankful for this) but mostly i can't right now because a) they'll just say 'no you're not' and b) i'm deeply ashamed of being a failure, i don't want to keep revealing it.

Sorry rapunzel but could you show me my baby step that i need to take? I know you are dealing with so much right now yourself and the last thing i want to be is a nuscience!! Praying that everyday becomes easier and you have time to rest and realise how far you have come!