Okay guys here it is:

I am a wreck. We had such an awful rupture last night (again) that I sincerely doubt that we can continue to work together anymore. I'll tell you what's going on:

He is inconsistent. I can't handle that. I flipped out. I left a tirade of screaming messages after session.

When I first began seeing him about a year and a half ago he told me to call him if I needed him. He gave me all his phone numbers. (home, cell, etc.) I was confused by this and never called much in the beginning. Then as the relationship developed, and I became attached I began to call when I needed to touch base. This past summer I asked him if I called too much. He said no, I didn't call too much and it was a good use of the phone to call him if I needed to center myself. I was having a lot of suicidal thoughts, with the depth of the work we were doing. He told me that calling too much would be like calling twice a day or something. I was very specific to address the issue.

I decided that what I needed was to see him twice a week, hoping that would help and I began with 2x weekly appointments in September after the break. Our work became intense.

Then out of the blue (and I mean in the middle of a phone call while I was crying) he said we had to find a way to manage the phone calls. I freaked out and hung up. This was right after Christmas.

Let me interject that he moved in with his wife (new marriage) over break.

So, in session, we discussed and he said that he decided that phone calls were to be short (3-5 minutes in length). We continued discussing this session after session last month. It was a huge rupture because it was a huge departure from what he had told me before. I just kept feeling like there was another agenda. Over the course of this month he again changed his rule to be phone calls should be for emergencies only. I told him that confused me again because it changed again and that I didn't know what he meant by emergency. So, he gave me an example about another client whose husband came home drunk. (Not my kind of emergency). Then he said that phone contact should preferably be in the form of phone appointments.

Then this past weekend, I called him on Friday and requested a phone appointment because I was feeling overwhelmed, and suicidal. He called back and said he could talk to me on Saturday. It was a good session and I felt so much better. It was during this session that we discussed reading the book. I felt so good and cared for afterward. I so looked forward to yesterday's session because I had so much to tell him.

Then yesterday, when I arrived we talked for a minute and he asked me if it was my understanding that he was charging or not for the phone session from Saturday. As soon as he brought up the topic I started getting really nervous, like oh no here we go again. I said that I expected to be charged for the time. He said that it felt good and right to him. We had a HUGE conversation about the issue. I lost it. I ranted at him and told him that therapy was ******** and what right did he have to suck people in and then dump them. He admitted that he mishandled the issue to begin with. I was very angry and upset. Interestingly enough, I knew I was reaching a very old hurt and realization of self.

After I left (I had to go back to work)--I became overwhelmed and almost crashed my car. I pulled over and called him because I was furiously angry and feeling jerked around. I left four (and one more later) messages on his machine. I screamed at him. I told him that he scared the %#@&#! out of me and represented the absolute worst I ever received from parents--an inconsistent boundary. I told him I couldn't come back on Thursday because he scared me and I didn't know who I would find when I got there. Which T would I find when I got there? The one who takes phone calls? The one who takes 3-5 minute phone calls? The one who is available for emergencies? The one who only takes calls by appointment? I told him that I felt as though I was being punished for something (yes I know it is a child part speaking). But it was important he know that.

Today,I called and said that I suppose we should talk and that I knew I had to pay for his time. He called me back and we made a phone appointment for tomorrow. The conversation was extremely brief. He sounded angry. I was scared.

I understand that he can do whatever he wants. But I also believe that it is unprofessional to change the boundaries in the midst of a therapy, particularly, when a client is in a vulnerable spot.

I need a therapist who I can call if I am feeling suicidal or in danger of self harm. Period.

Maybe this is some kind of deliberate intervention and maybe this isn't. Maybe he thinks I should be somewhere developmentally that I am not. Maybe he just doesn't want to work with me. Maybe I remind him of his mother. Maybe he is overwhelmed with his new marriage. I don't know the answer to any of these things.

As you all know, I have thought the world of him and I have gained an incredible awareness of self through our work together that I never thought possible.

I don't think it is possible to move forward safely. Therapy is ********.