i know... god do i know... forgive me for my poor wording. i dont want to stay.. i just waiver.. i dont want to live with him again.. i dont want to be his wife..... but i am not strong and i fail. i cant push like i would need to.. thats what i meant. i just cant keep telling him over and over.. for one thing i dont have the heart. Regardless of his NPD, abuse or anything else... i loved him and i care.

telling him these things has been some of the hardest things i have ever done.. causing pain to someone else hurts. Its hard because of that and fear.. that is what is hard.

i found this site... http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/dsm-iv.html

and it talks about things which may have been written about H directly.. wish i had seen it several years ago.

mlp.. no worries babe.. no worries about strong language or opinion.. s'ok. In the beginning of this it would have caused me to retreat and be protective of him.. but not at this point.

soli... what i mean by "no further seperation" is a response to something someone (sunrise maybe?) else said about moving to the phase involving paperwork and lawyers, etc i cant do that part.. i cant move further than i have... this was the best i could do.

t had wanted me to shoot for status quo... to keep safe for one.. but also to just allow me to cope. i have not developed the skills to stand my ground or be sure of who i am when faced with crisis and someone aggressive... me blurting out that i want out.. that was such a random and unpredictable thing.. i dont know how to reinforce it and neither T or i really expected i'd have to keep doing it over and over like this..