The thought of not wanting to hurt him is overwhelming me today and making me into a monster. I was so cold with him tonight. I don't want to be, but I feel I need to be. I had to go to that special dark place in my head to accomplish it. Worst part, there was a period of a small bit of light shining through and I started to reach out, but when he replied I froze and couldn't allow that light, I had to go dark and cold again. I also knew today was going to be very rough for him because of something that was supposed to happen at work and he even expressed being upset - I wanted so badly to ask about it and help him, but I knew that would mean stepping into the light and I couldn't do it. I can't tell if this is panic enduced or if it's my gut telling me to be this way. I'm still not eating so it could be the emotions since they're not letting me eat either. I'm definitely not thinking clearly... But if it isn't my gut then why does my gut sit silent when I need it the most?