Thirty shades, I thank you for being positive with me through all my posts.

The problem is, I am amnesic (or almost amnesic) and mentally retarded. My mother especially refuses treatments and she's the one that has made me like this. So I want to somehow overcome my situation and be a scientist that will discover drugs for brain conditions, simply because I know how it's like to be ill and there are not enough drugs for neural disorders (I know how it's like to have a sensation of needles pricking your arms and legs, and how it's like to have muscle knots.)

It may sound ridiculous, to be a Disabled Enablist. I do try, try hard in the lab, but no classmates tells me how to handle the apparatus and the teachers are too stressed at that moment to teach me from the start. I am thinking about switching sides and do a B.A instead but then what will it lead to? There are more jobless BAs here in our country than there are employed BAs. Teaching? Sure, but I will always have the voices in my head calling me a quitter. I'd remember my passion for chemistry and how I quit because I am a born-genius-made-failure person.

For the moment, my chemistry professor (who is a good friend of my father) has assured me everything will be alright, I just need to focus on pen-and-paper theory. It's not enough for my All-or-None perfectionist mind. I want to be a lecturer of chemistry but I am doubting my competency, what will I teach to my students, if I do not know myself know how to perform titration? In science, research and lab work is all that matters, nothing else, unless you're a theoretical chemist or physicist.

My mother, had she been treated with medications, wouldn't have caused so much pain and suffering to everyone around her. That includes our neighbors, my relatives, my sister (she's making her disabled too, like Tangled, making her stay at home outside of school) and my dad...


I don't know what I am supposed to do at this point.