T yesterday. Went back and sat down. I shared how when I got out of my car, my bottle of Perrier had fallen out of my purse and rolled under an SUV, so I had to go retrieve it. T: "So you were crawling around reaching under some random SUV, looking like you were planting bombs or trackers or something?" Me: "Yep!" Which led to a weird discussion about people putting trackers on cars and do other forms of tracking. T: "I've had a couple spouses who put trackers on cars." Me: "Um, I assume you mean clients, or else, exactly how many spouses have you had? And they all tracked you?" T laughed and said he meant marriage counseling clients. Talked about computer tracking (apparently there are programs that can take screenshots automatically at set times, etc.).

I glanced at his socks and asked, "Are those Super Mario socks? Because that looks like one of the mushrooms." T: "Yes!" He pulled up his pants leg a bit to show the whole sock and was pointing to the mushrooms, saying, "That's the big red one, here's the green 1-up one," and then some other one. I've always been intrigued by his socks, but this is the first time I've commented on them.

He asked how my weekend was, and I said pretty good, got together with friends Sat., that we'd gone to dinner one place, then a taproom afterward, then they left, and H and I went to another bar (D was at his mom's overnight). T: "Wow you went to three bars? That's impressive!" Me: "Well one was more of a restaurant, where we had dinner." T: "And I guess they're all right in the same area." Me: "Yeah, and we just had one or two beers at each one."

I said I had two things to bring up, one a question about last session, one an update, but wasn't sure which to start with. I said first that I'd felt good about Friday's session. T: "I assumed that when you said you had a good weekend."

Me: "But there is something you said that I'm wondering about. It's not a big deal, and may just be a semantics thing, but...So you said how you saw a couple musicians and had given them something from your office to take with them to a performance or competition." T: "Yes..." Me: "Well, this didn't strike me until after I left session, but you'd said before that you had never given a client a transitional object before. But to me, that's sort of a transitional object. Is it just in what you call it?" T: "Well, I guess in that case, I was thinking of it more like a good-luck talisman, not that I necessarily want to focus on luck."

Me: "OK, and is it different because it was just for a specific event, sort of like when I had the interview, rather than keeping it longer-term, like I sort of did with the stone, even though my intention had been just to keep it till I heard back from school, expecting it to be 2 weeks, not 2 months." T: "Yes, I think that's part of it." Me: "So if they told you they had held the object and felt comforted, that would have been OK to you?" T: "They never told me they did. Also, with these clients, I didn't seem them very long, maybe 5 sessions each, so it was more of a shallow relationship. We didn't go into depth like we have here." Me: "Oh...so it was more like you would do with sports psychology then?" T: "Yes, very similar, something where you have to practice and then perform." Me: "OK, that makes sense."

Me: "Do you know which stone they borrowed? I'd feel weird using same thing another client did." T: "Actually, it was something else, you're the only one who's taken a stone." Me: "Really? OK. So...you feel OK about me taking something for the beach trip because it's a set time?" T: "Yes, it's more where it's for a specific event or time." Me: "So this is OK for you, me taking something on the beach trip, but maybe not so much keeping it longer than that? Or if not for that, would it maybe be OK to borrow it again for something else stressful?" T: "I don't know, I guess I'll just have to see how it feels to me as we go." Me: "Uh, OK." (He was smiling when he said that, but I still wasn't entirely sure how to take it. Did it mean he was unsure if he was even comfortable just with me taking it to the beach? Or did he mean he could possibly be OK with me having it for a longer time?)

Me: "So the other thing is an update. You know how I said I wrote to ex-MC?" T: "When did you e-mail him again?" Me: "Thursday night." T: "OK." Me: "Well, he replied." T: "When did he write back?" Me: "Saturday morning." T: "OK, Thursday night to Saturday morning. Just trying to get a sense of the timeline." I pulled out my phone where I had the e-mails up and read them to him (see content in my last session writeup). T: "How did you feel about his response?" Me: "Good, overall, I think. I teared up a bit." T: "What felt good about it?" Me: "Well, that he said I could still contact him if needed. And he phrased it as, 'sure, you can contact me,' which made it seem like he felt OK about it. Rather than being like, 'well, I guess that would be OK, but only if it's an emergency.'"

T: "So I guess it feels like he still cares about you then?" Me: "Yes, which feels good." T: "If you did actually contact him in that situation, how do you think you'd react to that?" Me: "You mean at the time? I think it would depend on what he said." T: "Well, he's generally good in that kind of situation, so I think he'd be helpful. But it might feel different to you, since things have changed." Me: "True, they could." T: "I think what I'm more concerned about though is what effect it could have if it went well. Like if he did his 'holding with the voice' thing, I know you've said you tend to really respond to that." Me: "Yeah..." T: "So I just worry that, you're making progress in dealing with the loss of the relationship, and if he helped you with a crisis, it could hinder that." Me: "Hm, I hadn't really thought of that issue."

T: "I hate to keep going back to the romantic relationship analogy, but it's an easy comparison. It would be like if you had a fight with your partner, if there was this friend or ex you could always go to, then maybe you'd go to the friend rather than trying to work it through with your partner. I guess I'm thinking of the example that if you were having issues with me, then turned to ex-MC instead of working through them with me, it would be kind of avoiding the situation and keeping you from progressing." (or something like that). Me: "Hm...that's a good point."

Me: "But I feel I'd only really go to him at this point in more of a crisis situation, like, say, I'd tried to reach out to you at 6 p.m. on a Friday, and now it's 9:30 p.m., and I know you don't usually get back to clients after 9 or 10, and I'm in a really bad place, and maybe I wouldn't want to wait till morning, that might be when I'd try ex-MC." T: "OK, I wasn't sure if you just meant a situation when you're feeling really sad one night." Me: "No, I'm talking more of a situation where it's like...call him or do something...bad. Like call him as a step before, say going to the ER." T: "So he's more of a nuclear option then." Me: "Yes, that's a good way of putting it." More of a last resort, or like the step just before the last resort. But of course I'd try you first or other people, like possibly H or maybe online friends."
T: "That makes sense. Again, it's good to know you're thinking of ex-MC as just the nuclear option." Me: "Yeah. And honestly, there was this part of me...well, when I got his e-mail response, it was like the little kid part of me felt, 'Yay, he still cares! He'd still be there for me!' But then the more adult, rational part was thinking, 'But maybe this is actually a bad thing. Like, maybe that will keep me holding onto him in some way.' T: "So maybe part of you feels it would have been better if he said no?" Me: "Maybe. It would have hurt like hell, but..." T: "It would have forced you to move forward." Me: "Yeah...this is like still keeping that connection to him."

I forget how, but somehow we ended up on ex-MC's tendency for self-disclosure. T: "Do you think he'd admit it if i asked if he self-disclosed much?" Me: "Oh yeah, he's very open about it, he says it's just part of who he is as a T. The thing is...he'd keep disclosing even after I told him that, say, stories about his kids, particularly his daughter, triggered transference in me, especially talking about helping her with her anxiety." T: "And you're a nice person,so it seems you'd naturally want to ask him how she's doing with that, which takes the focus off of you, which is where it should be." Me: "Yeah. And I don't know if I ever told you about this, but the one time, he actually tried to call his daughter on speaker phone during session, to prove some point. Thankfully, she didn't answer, but I wanted to be like, 'What are you doing??? Are you crazy? How do you think this might affect my transference issues?'" I think T just shook his head to that. I said I don't think I even told ex-T about it because her head would have probably exploded.

Me: "I mean, I think some self-disclosure has a place. I read about T's who won't even answer the question, 'How are you?'" T: "Yeah, it can go too far in the other direction." Me: "I mean, you don't disclose that much, but it's like you share enough of yourself to show...you're human." T: "Thanks, I try to find that balance." Me: "I think part of the issue with ex-MC is...he shared so much that I think I felt like I knew who he was as a person, and I kind of idealized him. But then he'd share about punching the wall or screaming as his son until his son asked if he still loved him and it was really confusing to me because I thought I knew what he was like." T: "There are definitely risks to overdisclosing. Which is why I try to limit it while still, as you said, seeming human."

Me: "Yeah, I feel I have a sense of who you are as a therapist, well, at least as a therapist to me. And you've mentioned that you're honest with people in your real life, too. I just assume you're a good father. And I guess...maybe you're a good husband?" T smiled and kind of laughed. Me (embarrassed, also laughing): "I don't know why I put it like that! I mean, you're probably a good husband!" T: "I also probably know how to drive a car!" Me: "You probably know how to make toast!"

Talked about another ex-MC-related thing or two, and we were almost over time. (I feel like lately, I'm usually the one who has to point out the time or get my phone out to schedule.) T confirmed Thursday and asked if I wanted Monday at 12:30. I said I know he's out next Thurs. and Fri., and I was debating whether to just have one session or two, if he was available for that. Like if I should just do Tuesday or consider Mon./Wed. I asked his availability, and he had some for all 3 days. T: "Why don't you just pick one for now, and it's not set in stone, you can always change it later if I still have time." I went with Tuesday and later switched via a very brief, scheduling-only e-mail to Mon./Wed., which he was fine with. (I request no comments on my opting to see him twice next week. I have my reasons, which I don't feel like going into here. Feel free to comment on other aspects of the session!)

Paid, shook hands as T said, "Good luck out there." Me: "Thanks, you too." T: "It's hot out there, try not to melt." Me: "I'll do my best." T: "Take care." Me: "Thanks, you too." Left, and when I walked into waiting room, the three people there all looked up and stared at me as I was walking out. Not sure if they were his next clients, but I guess we'd gone maybe 2 minutes over? Nice, awkward feeling...(I tend to just glance up quickly when door opens then look back down if it isn't my T.)