amicus_curiae,

I think it's just being tired of living with a fear of something that is inevitable. It is overwhelming and exhausting, and I just want it to stop. I'm not a very expressive person, so the only time I really vent about anything is in some type of forum website.

I appreciate your empathy and sympathy. I don't want to talk, but I do...if you get what I mean. It's like being depressed. You don't want to be alone at home, but you don't want company either.... so, I will PM you.