No, no one can be certain, but I keep getting this mental itch to seek, and the more I explore that inner space, the more I get this feeling that I am this close to understanding the entirety of it. It's like that feeling you get when you're trying to remember something, and it's right there at the periphery, but you can't quite grasp it.

It's not necessarily about divine plans; it's to know with certainty as to whether there is some thing beyond that gives meaning and context for human existence. I do not believe life on earth happened by chance--the mathematical odds for such an occurence are so astronomical to be almost impossible. There are over two hundred variables that must be exactly right to form life.

But it comes down to the fact that I can find no meaning in my life beyond others' need for me. I saw an insight I wasn't ready for, I think, and now, all I hear are its echoes in my head.

For example: When I die, the universe itself might as well be dying with me because it will all be the same to me. This is why I said that we're all solipsists in the end. Worse, I've squandered my life, and that will haunt my thoughts every day for whatever is left, and will probably flit through my dying brain with capricious glee at the end.

This is the despair that I refer to when I titled this thread Resisting Existential Nihilism. What else could I call it?