Hello, dear friends,

Tucson - yes, it is very convenient, although at times it's a little weird not to be settled down somewhere, especially now that I'm thirty! I just haven't found a place where I'd like to live permanently yet

I thought I'd update you on the situation. We talked on the phone today and I gently mentioned that my friend suggested he might have hypomania at times and perhaps it's something he might want to look into. He actually seemed responsive and said it definitely sounds like him and he'll see a doctor when he goes back home, although later in the conversation he did a U turn saying hypomania is awesome and he hates himself anyway, he's his worst enemy and he'll just kill himself later.

I still encouraged him to seek a possible diagnosis so that even if he decides not to address his issues, at least maybe he'll know what he's dealing with.

Unfortunately, the conversation was marred by the fact that a common friend told me an hour prior that my ex admitted to cheating on me a couple of months ago, when he was in full energizer bunny phase. The rumours had caused us trouble back then and he denied it so vehemently (and the girl in question acted like such a good friend of mine) that I believed him. Also, we actually hung out with the group of friends, including the girl, a few nights a week, she wanted to see me all the time and I didn't think anyone could be so brazen.

I guess I should have seen it coming, really. And perhaps I did, which might be why despite the initial shock, I'm surprisingly okay at the moment. I guess it's all just part of filing things away as I close this chapter of my life.

He is still adamantly denying it to me, although according to the friend, he is the one who admitted it. In fact, he said he wishes I was there with him, that he never said I should leave because he didn't want me around but just because he would be leaving too since the job fell through, and tried to invite me to go on a road trip to Vietnam with him next month (???).

I was calm and collected throughout the call, told him that I'm not mad at him for everything that happened because I think if he could choose to be stable and happy he would, and while I'm mad at the unfairness of the situation, it's unfair for him too and I understand it wasn't personal and I was just collateral damage. I concluded once again encouraging him to seek help since he doesn't deserve to live in constant turmoil.

I'm not sure how i managed to rise above this way. I might wake up furious and hurt tomorrow because of his cheating and lying about it for two months, and even now.

Anyway. I guess I can be at peace knowing I did everything I could to help and that all along I did nothing to deserve this cluster****, or his rages, or his betrayal, the girl's disgusting duplicity, or the way he discarded me at the end.

I guess I'm used to it - I had three relationships in my life, one of which lasted 9 years, and they all ended with me being cheated on. I guess I'll look into therapy because if I had trust issues before this guy - and he seemed so kind and receptive when I discussed the issue! - I can only imagine they will get exponentially worse now. Then again, my main resolution was to never again rely on a person to the point of being distraught by their eventual betrayal, and judging by my surprisingly calm reaction, I guess I must have made progress in that sense.

Now I just want to leave this whole meaningless disaster behind me and resume my travels joyful and relaxed as they always were when I travelled on my own.