Trigger warning for people who get easily upset about the news and for SUI. Don't feel like putting the whole post in a trigger box...

T came back from his summer vacation last Friday, where we met. Then we had a phone call on Monday, where he decided he couldn't do this over the phone and that we should meet twice a week for now, until I'm better. So we met today to start that off.

First, we talked about the fact that I'm scared off dying. T wanted to know what exactly scared me about it and I said that there's nothing after it, which doesn't sound nice.
He wanted to know what triggered that fear. I said the world isn't a nice place. He asked what I meant by world and I replied 'people'. "So people are bad?" I nodded. "Including me?" - "Yes." - "But that would mean I couldn't help you." I told him that was an accurate assessment and that I did not feel he could help me. He asked what made me feel that way, maybe the fact that he'd been gone for three weeks? No, just that the world is coming to an end and he can't do anything about that.

What makes me think the apocalypse is about to happen? Global warming, politics, technology... he said that that had been around for a while, so what changed? I replied the US decided to lift their ban pesticides on Saturday. And I read a bunch of articles about how we're basically already past the point where we could save our world in any way.

He asked about the connection to death. I said that I would be fine with dying of old age, of an illness or also just quickly. What I didn't want is have a 20 year warning about it and then at some point starve to death. He thought I was exaggerating a bit there, but when I explained the data points I had, he agreed that maybe that might happen at some point.

I sat on the floor for a while, until he told me it makes him uncomfortable. During that he asked me what he could do for me. First I said I didn't know, but he told me I had to do something too, it can't just be him making all the decisions. So I said I didn't want to be afraid of dying anymore, He didn't really have a comeback to that.

Then he asked whether I thought I was paranoid. I said my partner says so sometimes. He asked about specific situations, but I didn't really feel like telling him. I told him that I normally realize that those thoughts are not rational. But I can't really change the thoughts anyways. I also told him I do not think the CIA is trying to kill me or something like that. At least not willingly.

We discussed the possibility of medication after that, but he said we can talk about it more next time.

T wanted to know again whether it was not connected to the fact that he'd been gone for three weeks. He said that's often something that makes clients get more out of control, especially people with BPD. Me: "You're reading too much into this..." Him: "I'm reading too many books?" (our language does not have the difference many vs. much) "No, too much into this." - "Oh." He said that yes, he tends to do that. It's important I tell him when he does.

We talked about what happened during the time when he was gone a bit more, and then he asked me whether I was fine with coming twice a week instead of once. He added that some therapists even think more than twice is necessary, to which I quickly replied that I actually also have other things to do than seeing him. So we agreed on twice a week and we'll set a regular time for that on Friday.