So yeah, the past few days have been really rough. The little one keeps demanding attention but I'm not sure if it's necessary to give it because I might not even be DID. And the rest of the system is confused and whacked out because the little one makes everyone feel there's something very wrong.

I don't know when this stuff started.. I don't "remember" much.. Even my graduation from high school is full of blanks.. And I already then noticed that it was weird.. My childhood.. Even more full of blanks. Remember playing in a field of daisies.. Haha. Not much more really.

So mostly I feel like I've just been thrown out here, clueless, split into (at least, if DID) 4 different parts and none of them knows my "real" name. It's just the name my physical body and some parts know.

The future prospect seems quite gloomy. I posted about the DID suspicions on a Finnish forum, I was told I shouldn't ask if I could be tested for DID since they would not believe. Can't afford a trauma specialist.. Not a single one in my area..

There's so much that also doesn't fit the puzzle. I'm sometimes aware of what my alters do.. I can watch them write in my journal.. On the other days, I find myself having a cup of coffee though I do not drink coffee. Reading websites in Dutch.. (I don't know Dutch at all, maybe a few words but it's because I took German in high school) All these weird things that do fit the puzzle but on the other hand I think it's just my psychosis, creating my alters, from stuff I've read here and on other sites, seen in movies..

I don't know.. It's all so weird, so... unbelievable. "Not me". If I could talk to my psychosis, I would tell it to stop. I never know what the day is going to bring, and yesterday I was stressed all day because of the little one. Ended up (even as me) just browsing The Garden for safe pictures and just looking at them.

Thank god there is a forum like that.

And now? Yeah. I really have no idea. I guess all I can do is hope that this day turns out for the better.

Eugh, I'm sorry I complain so much. I promise I'll make it up to you guys when I'm in better spirits. Thanks for reading.

Katie & friends