I know I have to cope and be a mature parent. I intend to make the best of this for the next three years.

But I am crying my eyes out this morning because my 16 year old son chose to live with me and his dad 50/50. He could have told him he wanted to stay living in the house with me and still have seen his dad any time that he wanted to, but instead he agreed to do what his father wanted.

I wish he had more loyalty to me in this matter. I wish he had told his dad that he wanted to stay in his own house and stay with his mom. Instead my husband wins, as usual. Also, I am forced to see that none of my kids have much loyalty to me, nor do they see how their dad tortured me. They love us both equally regardless of his neglect for me and for them.

I know not to say anything to poison the kids against him and I am not. I told my son no one would think badly of him no matter what he decided. I will wear a mask of calm security and continue to be a good mother. I will remain in this prison for the next three years, then I can to anywhere and never look back.

Nobody ever had my back. I can cry my head off and I can’t control that. But I am not opening my mouth and I am not self harming. Too bad if they see me cry. There’s nothing I can do about that.

I’m just venting about this here. I will not call anyone of my former support system; mother, sisters, friends. Nobody wants to hear it. They just throw my faults in my face when they please and use it against me. So PC is a harmless vent.

Pardon me my babyishness.