TW
I am feeling really frustrated after my appointment, even though nothing really went wrong with it. My pdoc noted the impulse issues/suicidal thoughts I had while on the lexapro and lamictal, and mentioned therapy for impulse issues might help. I agree that DBT could be useful (I assume that is what he meant), and have been looking into it anyways, but somehow the way the convo went made it feel a little invalidating. Like, I fought and controlled my impulses with everything I had and acted on hardly any of them while having the urge to step out in front of a train, drive recklessly, all sorts of things. So, I feel like I need the cause to stop...there is only so much a person can do when their mind is taken over and the impulses are that strong. Also my pdoc had said I was on bipolar spectrum when I reacted to the lexapro with a mixed episode, and I have been in that state or my moods have been cycling since, but I know that reactions just on meds doesn't necessarily mean you have bipolar, and there is some debate if a spectrum even exists. Anyways, point is, after our convo I now really don't know when he even thinks anymore, so could be totally wrong in assuming my problems are even related to moods/bipolar and if so, I am sorry if I have been posting here incorrectly. Trying without meds for the next month to see what happens. I am just really struggling and confused right now. This is quite rambling I realize, so thanks if you read it. I woke up after not enough sleep feeling agitated/irritable/depressed so I think that is influencing this right now. Going to get outside and do some stuff and then maybe meditate later and talk to a friend, see if that all helps.