It is normal for kids to feel equal loyalty to both parents unless there was serious physical abuse.

My daughter at 40 defends her dad at times & at others calls him "retarded". Lol.....she calls things like they are on both sides & listens to both & makes her own decisions as it should be. I just tell her facts & I qualify any opinions that slip through.

Kids feel loyalty to both sides as both are their parents & usually their judgments are totally based on their own perceptions of their experiences.

Divorce us never easy because each side realky wants the loyalty & understanding of the kids but in reality their neutrality to both sides is the best as it tends to defuse any bad discussions that might occur. No fault divorce is best if we can take that approach too.

The last 2 weeks when I was in Ca for court I had a couple of interesting encounters with the almost X. I discussed that it was both that caused the need for divorce. (At this point no reason to point fingers). A good way for a peaceful understanding reasonable non-antagonistic closure. He realizes I have hired a good lawyer & basically am only after what is rightfully mine after 33 years of marriage.

Yes, kids have their own reality of what has gone on in their lives & it is important as you are doing to let them make their own choices as their experiences were nothing like ours.

It is tough not to have theur TOTAL support & understanding but always important to keep in mind how different their experiences & perceptions were than ours.