T yesterday. Went back and sat down. He was wearing jeans--maybe only the second time I've seen him in them? Just argyle socks though (but in pastel colors).

I said I'd been tempted to reply to his email saying he gave me the two sessions next week (when he'd be out 2 days) by saying I hoped I wasn't taking time away from other clients. But then I realized that he wouldn't offer me the time if it wasn't OK. T: "That's correct." Me: "I even told someone something similar on PC yesterday, where their T was on vacation and had offered them phone call, and they felt they shouldn't bother the T. And I was like, 'well, he wouldn't have offered it if it wasn't OK.' So it's like you're giving advice on forums, too!" T kinda laughed and said that was good.

I said I also wasn't sure if I really needed both sessions, but I knew that was about me, not whether T thought it was OK. And that it was probably about past stuff, like childhood, ex-MC, etc., not even about T at all. T said those were good thoughts, that they showed progress. I said I thought so, too.

I said H had worked from home the day before and was driving me kind of crazy with constant updates about his day while I was trying to work. T said it's good he's being open with me, and I was like, "But some were really long stories! And I was dealing with my own work-related drama at the time." (I filled him in briefly on that and was pleasantly surprised he remembered the issue I was talking about from last session.)

T: "I don't know how someone could deal with working from home all the time." I raised my hand, and he was like, "Right!" I said sometimes I think I need to get an outside job. He asked why, and I said how I missed the interacting with people. He said he misses the collaboration sometimes, too (he's in private practice, just him). I said also just talking about random things, like something that happened on my commute or something about my kid. T: "Well, you get to share that with me!" Me: "True, and you get to hear it from me, so that's something!"

I said I feel I don't have much to share about my work with H (I do freelance). T: "Yeah, a lot of stories are about the interaction with people." Me: "Hm, do you really talk with your wife about your work? I mean, I assume anonymously, but I'm just curious. Because ex-MC told a few times that he shared something funny I'd said with his family." T: "I don't really tell her much. Lots of things would be really boring if you don't know the person. And some stuff I wouldn't want to talk about."
The types of stories ex-MC would tell came up, I mentioned where I accidentally called him a moron. T: "How could you accidentally call him a moron?" Me: "He'd given me advice on a college basketball bracket that I ended up winning." T: "Look at you!" Me: "Yeah, and it was a big pool, lots of H's coworkers." T: "Well that's one you could brag about for a long time!" Me: "Yeah. But ex-MC had given me one piece of advice that led me to winning on one of two brackets. I think he was annoyed, since he'd done poorly, and threw a pillow at me or something. And I was like, 'But it's the one you helped me more on!' Ex-MC looked at H and was like, 'Did she just call me a moron?' Was end of session, he walked out with us and said to receptionist, 'Do you think I'm a moron?' (I forgot what she said.) I was about to leave, he told me to wait, then turned to I assume his next client and said, 'Do you think I'm a moron?' Client was like 'uh, no?' Then ex-MC said I could go--I of course was really embarrassed. And that's sort of what our relationship was like, where he'd do things like that."

T: "That sounds kind of like something he'd do." Me: "I guess it's kind of borderline inappropriate, especially involving the other client." T: "It's a thing where he'd likely known you for a long time, knew how you'd probably react to it. And maybe where he sort of forgot for a moment that you were a client, since he'd known you so long." Me: "Yeah." T then said something he'd shared once before: "Once you've known a client for a certain amount of time, there can be a comfort level there where you're maybe more relaxed than you should be and you can have lapses where you forget they're a client for a bit and might interact with them more as a friend. So it's something I try to be mindful of." (Pretty sure that's happened with him and me before.)

I brought up how ex-MC had said before that likes all his clients exactly the same, and I thought it was BS. T: "Yeah, I definitely have clients who I like working with more than others. There are some who you just click with more. And those who seem really engaged. Or where I appreciate their sense of humor." (Of course, I was tempted to ask, "Am I one of them?" but I felt really silly saying, essentially, "Do you like me?" But when I thought about it, his descriptors of "clients I like more" seem to fit me--we seem to click, I'm certainly engaged in the process, and I can make him laugh. Plus I seriously doubt he'd have shared that stuff with me about liking some clients more than others if I was on the "doesn't really like" list.)

He said also that he can find something to appreciate and like about all of his clients. Then he gave an example of one. He prefaced it by saying to himself, "Is this OK to share? I think so." And talked about a client who has very different political views than he or I do (I've shared my views many times before T shared his, incidentally) and is really involved in politics. T shared some of the things he'd done as examples of his involvement, and that made me a little uncomfortable because it made me feel he could be potentially identifiable if I tried. And I guess...I also wonder if T talks to other clients about me, and what he might say? I didn't mention it at the time, but think I may bring it up Monday. (Ex-T and ex-MC didn't really mention other clients, and this T has multiple times, so it's not something I'm used to. He did it really anonymously before--like "clients who are musicians"--but this was more specific.)

We got back to ex-MC topic. I said I feel like I need to talk more about him. Me: "I mean, the main times I start crying in session are when I talk about him, so that suggests that I need to address it more." T: "I agree." Me: "I keep worrying...I know this is likely me projecting...but are you thinking, 'Oh for ****'s sake, she's talking about ex-MC again.'" T: "I'm not thinking that." Me: "OK, I know much of that is probably me projecting, like I'm thinking I should be over it by now." T: "It was a very intense relationship for you." Me: "Yeah, it was."

T said he felt bad that he continued going to the romantic relationship comparison, but he had trouble thinking of another sort of relationship that close. I said it was OK, that I'd thought similar. And how I'd realized on the ride there how many songs I associate with ex-MC. How one had made me randomly start crying. Which seems more like a romantic relationship, too. Me: "This is going to sound...I mean, it sounds ridiculous to me and really screwed up, because I'm married and have a kid. But at times, it felt almost like...ex-MC was one of the most important people in my life. Not even just at the time, but like, ever in my life. And that seems screwed up, because he was just my therapist..."

T: "It's not screwed up. So...something we haven't fully addressed. What role do you feel ex-MC played for you? It seems he was filling a void of some kind--what void do you think he will filling?" Me: "I don't know...I mean, I know there was childhood stuff." T: "Yes, you've mentioned 'nonjudgmental' multiple times with him. I get the sense maybe it's the first time in your life that you really got that." Me: "Yeah...it's something I'd wanted for a long time."

Me: "I think at first...well, when we first went to see ex-MC, it was because H was being really mean to me. And then, there I was, literally sitting between H and ex-MC, and I'd be there crying, and ex-MC would be listening and trying to comfort me, while H was just sitting there, staring into space. And it was a really stark comparison." T: "It can often be that romantic attraction develops when seeing a therapist of the opposite sex--if both are heterosexual. The therapist is sitting there listening to everything they say and being caring. So it's not surprising that those feelings can develop." Me: "Yeah. And plus I had the mistaken sense that I knew who he was in the outside world, like I had this image of what it would be like to be married to him, which was apparently wrong."

Me: "But I don't feel like I knew ex-T or you that way. I mean, you might be a raging a**hole to everyone in your real life." T smiled and said: "Or I might be like that as a therapist, too. You've probably thought that about me at times. I can be pretty harsh." Me (laughing): "Yeah, maybe I've thought that a little at times!"

Me: "So in this one thread on the forum, people were figuring out how many sessions they'd had with their T's. I think with you it was around 75, ex-T was around 300, and ex-MC was maybe 150-200? And I guess it bothered me a bit." T: "Why did that bother you?" Me: "Because if I feel I'm making progress with you right now, but what was I doing all that time with ex-T?" T: "Maybe try looking back over your journals?" Me: "Yeah, that's a good idea. I guess I'm just wondering, was she not the right fit, was I too caught up in ex-MC stuff, was I not ready?" T: "Sometimes one therapist can sort of prime you for working with another one." Me: "Yeah, maybe that was it. I just wonder if some of it was because of so much focus on the transference with ex-MC."

I said how ex-MC had kept talking about resolving transference, how it can sort of rewrite endings to stuff in the past. And so part of me kept hanging in there with him, thinking I had to stay to resolve the transference. But then at the end, he'd made some comment like, "Oh you'll always feel the transference." Me: "It was like I'd been sold a false bill of goods." T: "I'd really like to know what he means when he says resolve transference and what that process would look like." Me: "Yeah, me too. Lots of people on PC talk about being stuck in transference, but I'm not sure how many would say they actually resolved it or what that means." T: "That would be an interesting question to ask, how many people on there feel they have resolved transference and what that looked like." Me: "Yeah, it would. Except... maybe if someone had resolved it, they might not still be on PC." T: "True, still worth asking." (will create thread later)

Me: "I've had lots of people tell me I shouldn't keep working with you, that I need a T who is experienced in working with transference. And at one time, I thought maybe they were right. That I needed someone who would fully accept the transference and work through it with me. But now that I'm further from the ex-MC thing, it's like I'm feeling a bit differently about that." T: "In what way?" Me: "I guess seeing how many people are dealing with transference...it's like I got so caught up in it. Much of my therapy with ex-T turned into being about dealing with transference for ex-MC. And then that often became the topic with ex-MC, too. It was just very consuming and I think maybe it kept me from accomplishing other stuff in therapy." T: "It does seem like you got caught up in just dealing with the therapeutic relationship, maybe at the expense of other things." Me: "Yeah...and some would say the work is in the relationship, and I can see that in some ways, but...and I mean, I know as you've said, I think about the therapeutic relationship with you more than your other clients...but it's still not the same thing as with ex-MC, like it's not all-consuming in that way." T: "Good." Me: "I guess maybe what I'm saying is, maybe working through transference isn't the right thing for me at this point."

T: "You know, that's all very similar to what I told you maybe 4 months ago." Me: "Yeah, I know." T: "I really hope you aren't offended by my saying that, especially right at the end of session." Me: "Well, if I was, then I'd just email you." T: "True." Me: "But I get that it's something you were trying to tell me then, but I just wasn't ready to hear it. Like...I needed to figure it out on my own." T: "Yes, that's what I meant." Me: "At the time it upset me because it felt like you were all [I held out my hands and made an X sign with my index fingers] like get away from me! But I don't get that feeling now. It feels more like you're looking out for me and trying to keep me from going down the same path." T: "Good, because that's what I'm trying to do." Me: "And I appreciate that."

We were almost to the full hour (again, I was the one who pointed it out). Went over and paid, as we kept talking a bit about session. T: "I was glad when you said what you wanted to include in the email but felt you didn't have to. It shows progress." Me: "Good." T: "If you had included that part..." Me: "You would have just said it was fine?" T: "Exactly." Me: "So I saved us both some words then!" T: "Yes you did!" Me: "And it's good to know you think I'm making progress, too. I think that's part of why I wanted both sessions next week, because I feel I'm making progress and want to keep up the momentum."

T: "What's today? So, Monday." Me: "Today's not Monday, right?" T: "No, today's Thursday, so I'll see you Monday." Me: "OK, just making sure, it's confusing when I work from home." Shook hands as he said, "Have a great weekend." Me: "Thanks, you too" T: "Thanks. See you Monday."

I walked out and a guy in the waiting room looked up at me for a second, looked back down, then looked up at me again for extended period as I walked out. Seriously, give me some space, waiting room people!

Sure, there was a lot of talk about some more random things, but I think some really important stuff came out in that session.