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Aug 10, 2018, 09:00 PM

I told him I'd been down this past week. He asked if it was because of what our plan was today. Frankly he gives himself too much credit; I'd forgotten whatever the master plan was. We discussed a bit how we'd come up with themes that I wanted to focus on: lack of control, vulnerability, and worthlessness. The goal today was to focus on identifying issues that relate to those three themes. Something he called the Trauma Top 10.

Hence, it should be clear why most of the rest of this post is under the trigger code. Proceed with caution.

Possible trigger:

The first thing I told him was about "looking in the mirror." The young man who molested me when I was small once held a mirror in front of my face once while he played with my hair. "Look at how beautiful you are, Daisy. You're so beautiful."

Second was when my father wanted to give me "tough lessons" because I cried too often.

Next was the moment I realized my biological mother had moved out of my house.

Then it was once on a camping trip where I was sleeping in the cab of a semi truck with bio mom and a step father. I woke them up because I wanted to go to the bathroom, and they were angry. So they made me get out of the truck in my pajamas and locked me out until they woke up.

My father once locked me out of the house during summer because I needed to "be more active" instead of reading.

I thought and discussed the moment when the sexual assault in college happened. I told T the whole story and he shook his head while he wiped a tear from his eye.

Somehow we got off track for a bit and we were discussing my fertility treatments. I said the appointment when I was 15 where the gynecologist said I'd probably never have children was rough. And that while I'm going to keep trying for a child, I have to let hope die. "You've seen what it looks like when the little hope I've had is shattered.
"Yes, I have."

I said what hurt the most was being alone for that appointment. "Why were you alone?"
"Well my parents had to go home and back to work. This happened while I was at boarding school."
"That's right, I remember now. Have I ever asked how that came to be? Boarding school in this day and age isn't a common occurrence."

So I told him how it came up. My dad joked at dinner about a year before I went that his dream was to send me to boarding or finishing school so that I could get the best education. I asked if he was serious, and he said yes. So I went and requested information for every all girl's boarding school in the country.

"I saw an opportunity out, and I took it and ran with it."
"An opportunity to what?"
"Escape. I hated everyone so much."
"Daisy, that is so sad."

Then he asked why I left. I told him (now in a different context) about when I attempted to commit suicide on the campus.
"And this is when they forced you to see the school psychologist and your dad tried to fight against it? Daisy..."

Through most of this I made numerous comments about how my life wasn't that bad. At least I didn't grow up in a refugee camp or was a starving child in Africa.

"I don't ever want to feel anything ever again. I'd trade happiness to never feel this pain. My life would be so much better."
"Are you a fan of Star Trek?"
"Yeah."
"Data would disagree with you."
"Hmm. Touché."

It was then that some emotion leaked out. "I'm just thinking about so many things that I stuff so deep down." I was looking out the window into the trees. "Is there a reason you're avoiding eye contact?"
"No. Is there a reason you want me to look at you?"
"No."

I started thinking about all of the negative things that loop in my mind sometimes. I started to laugh and said "oh brain, you're being such a brain."

"What's going on in the brain?"

I couldn't help it, I started to laugh hysterically. There's a song called "Pillow Talking" by this comedian rapper. The rapper went to college here, coincidentally. He wrote down the name of the song. I don't know if I want him to listen to it.

"But seriously, I'm just tired of my brain thinking all of the bad things. I just want to hear good things about myself for once."

"Do you want me to tell you some nice things?"
"Sure."

"Okay, so your glasses are really cool first of all. You're also really smart. Like, scary smart, because you're both emotionally intelligent and probably have a genius IQ. But what strikes me the most is your heart. Every time you talk about your work, it's inspiring to hear how much you care for your students?"

"Even though sometimes they're all assholes and I hate them?"

"Well you do teach middle school special education. If you loved them all the time I'd be convinced that you were repressing your emotions way too deep."

I stared off into the distance again. Tears were welling up.

"Can I tell you a joke, Daisy?"
"Umm, sure?"
"Well I came up with it a couple of sessions ago, but I couldn't find a good time to say it. And last time I forgot it. And I'm going to ruin the delivery, because I really should tell you as you walk out, but I'm afraid that I'll forget again."
"Well now I'm intrigued."
"So I had this image of you walking out the door and saying, 'Hey Daisy, be careful out there. I heard Mrs. Daisydid is a savage'."

He was amused a couple of weeks ago that a student called me a savage. I laughed, hard.

I left the session in a good place. It wasn't until I got home and my husband yelled at me about something that I lost it. All of the emotions I couldn't feel with T today came pouring out.

Possible trigger:

I broke my 88 day streak. It was automatic. Like, I wonder if calling T would have helped instead but the damage is done. Oh well.

I'll be okay in time. I took a PRN and am going to bed.