I'm not sure what kind of help I need. I have no energy left, and just when I think the final straw has broken, there goes another one.

Some of you know that I'm doing my counseling internship now. That's 20 hours of volunteer work, in addition to a full-time job, in addition to volunteering several hours per day here, which keeps me going up until the point where everything comes to a screeching halt. I'm a little bit stressed, you could say. Note the distressed mood indicator icon. That's a bit of an understatement.

Five weeks ago I was traumatized and didn't function at all for a couple of days. There are posts on various forums that follow bits and pieces of the story (I can't tell it here). Then my favorite goat had twin babies on the worst weather day of the year, to that point anyway. The babies were dead before we got home and mama was down. I was not functioning well enough to remember the things that I know about how to care for that goat. She was down, and never got up again. She died a week and a half later. Meanwhile, we had worse weather, and my car's brakes failed on a downhill freeway on-ramp covered with ice and six inches of slush. With my little plastic Saturn, I slid into the back of a Hummer. I had liability only. My car was totaled, the Hummer was undamaged, I did everything I could to minimize the impact and damage, didn't spin, didn't even dissociate (until later), and I got a ticket and all the blame. Last time I had to go to court about a ticket (which I would have to if I contest it), I ended up in jail for observation for major self-destructive behavior. I don't know if I can deal with a trigger like that now, whether I pay the ticket or go to court. I'm avoiding it and not sure how much time I have left. Probably about a week. I now have a car payment, and my mortgage got increased starting next month. My internship clients apparently have sensed something not right, and all three of them requested this week that I stop seeing them. I was already not getting enough hours to meet the requirements. I can't take any more hits.

Today, I was trying to cope with all of the above, a major depressive episode that has lasted 5 weeks and counting (I have SAD, among other things, and I'm not coping all that well). There was a thread in this forum that was questionable, but I tend to want to allow people to express themselves and ask for information that will help them if possible. I responded to a couple of PMs and to the thread in between meetings and tryhing to manage heavy issues at work. My annual evaluation is tomorrow BTW and I'm not coping there any better than anyplace else. While I was occupied with work, commuting, and rehashing with my internship supervisor about what I am doing wrong and why I may not get another chance (I cried a lot), action was taken to keep this forum safe and within the guidelines. Note, I was otherwise occupied at the time. I came home for a second, on my way to class tonight, and found my PM box flooded with angry messages about everything that I did and didn't do here. I can't do it all. I can't make everyone happy. I just hope that I can avoid making everyone hate me by the time I'm done, especially those whom I have considered friends.

I hope that this post doesn't offend anyone. Maybe it will need to be removed. I want to be able to keep on going, and this forum is one of several things that means a lot to me. I want it to be a safe place for everyone. Usually I feel that it is well worth it. But it will take everyone working together to make it work. I can't hold it together without all of you.

If you have PMed me today and have not received an answer, I am sorry. I am not able to reply to everything right now because I am going to be late to class as it is.

TC My Friends,
Rapunzel