I almost lost it with my mother. I came very close to going IP, the last one being over thirty years ago. Just my raw willpower kept me out since I needed to be there for my mother. She became out of control. Of course I had to change her diapers which was uncomfortable and difficult for me. I had to wipe her in the front, you know where, into her personal part. A very terrible experience. She bit, scratched, kicked, and hit me. She even threatened me with a pointed knife several feet away. She had fits of rage. She would walk around at 2 AM, one time trying to eat a bottle of shampoo, so I had to get up. I had to find solutions to all of this. This did not help my stress very much.

The last year was a nightmare. Substantial depression set in. Everything seemed out of control. It would take me sometimes four hours to get myself moving. Every time I woke up, I dreaded the day wondering what was going to happen next. Then the other shoe fell. She was no longer able to stand up from her chair. Extraordinarily difficult to change her diapers. I could not afford to place her in any place little alone a nice place. I was thinking of making her a ward of the state so they will pay for the placement. I really did not want to do this. I was going crazy and did not know what to do. I had no one to help me much at all. But I did eventually find a good solution to all of this. I ended up feeling relief. My mother was then very well cared for. Then a couple months later, she was having seizures and then passed away.

It became so difficult to function toward the end that I was missing meals to make for her, and able to change her diaper only once a day, which is not good. I then called hospice. Her arms were almost right down to the bones. This shocked me. I felt so bad about this. I still feel really bad about this. I feel I have done something terribly wrong.

So I know what it is like to come very very close to losing it. I was numb for a year. Only then did I start to feel anything for my mothers passing.

PS I did have some help from Medicaid. They sent people over for a few hours each day to do nothing but babysit my mother. Once my mother threatened one of them with a knife, they no longer came,