While I have not experienced the same thing you are experiencing, I relate to the struggle you mention about trying to beat back the thoughts and they just enter your head. I have had those kind of thoughts, and it is really confusing. I also thought I was making them up or something, but then realized I was not safe later when I was doing better. I don't think you are making up your experiences. Please reach out so you can stay safe..maybe to a trusted friend or family member if you are afraid to talk to your pdoc right away? One thing to consider is that if your pdoc doesn't believe you it could be time for a new pdoc, but if he does then he can help. Worst case you are where you are now, and haven't lost anything by trying to ask for help.