I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I just replied to your post in the new members introductions forum as well. I'm not a mental health professional. But this just all sounds to me like the effects of depression. And it sounds similar to my own experiences growing up & as a young adult.

I don't know anything really about child psychology & what causes a child to grow up depressed. But I know it can happen because it happened to me. As I mentioned in my reply to your other post, there are a number of things I could point to as possible contributing factors. But it was all so long ago it's difficult to know now. Plus, unfortunately, I grew up at a time & in a place where little was understood regarding mental health & such things were simply not taken into consideration or talked about.

You wrote you sought help but it didn't work because you were afraid to admit what you're struggling with. I think the thing I would like to suggest is that, perhaps, you might consider trying again. I know it can be difficult. But talking all of this through with a skilled therapist might make a real difference for you. This sort of opportunity simply didn't exist when I was young. We just had to suck it up do what we could. Too often it didn't go well. (At least it didn't in my case.) You have the opportunity to take a different path. I hope you do.

I gave you links to some articles on depression, as well as on letting go of the past, in my reply to your other post. Here are links to 4 other articles that talk about alternative treatments for depression:

Alternative Treatments for Depression

Holistic Treatments For Depression | M(ill)ennial: A Perspective on Mental Illness

What Helps Depression Beyond Therapy and Medication

7 More Ways to Manage Depression Beyond Therapy and Medication

My best wishes to you...