Well... I have to admit I don't have any idea what any of this is about. I'm not a mental health professional. And I don't really even know a lot about psychology. What I do know something about is social isolation. That is because, although I am married, I live an otherwise almost thoroughly reclusive lifestyle. But I'm old & it works for me. (It's a long story.) I have no extended family, no friends & not even any acquaintances of any consequence. Even on-line the only place I have any contact with anyone is here on PC. And I do things here to minimize the amount of on-going contact I have with anyone.

The one thing I do have that keeps me sane is, as I mentioned, I am married. And I don't think I probably appreciate the degree to which my spouse keeps me sane. I can easily imagine what kind of shape I would be in, & what I would be doing, were I to not have that one connection to "normality". In reading what you wrote, I have the impression perhaps you don't have anything that anchors you to the real world, so to speak. And, if not, my own personal experience would suggest to me it would be easy to slip into various states of mental illness.

I recall you mentioned you're not on any antidepressants. And that may or may not be something you need (that or some other variety of psych med.) I don't recall you mentioning whether or not you've seen any kind of mental health therapist or psychologist. But at least my personal opinion would be that working with some type of mental health professional is probably necessary. (I see you list yourself as being in Hungary. I don't know what services are available to you there.) A mental health professional may be able to help you sort through all of this, figure out what it is all about & what to do about it... much more so than can any of us here on PC.

And then, beyond that, getting out-&-about & finding some ways to establish some ongoing social contacts may also help you to keep yourself grounded & mentally healthy. Granted it may be difficult to reintegrate yourself back into society, as you mentioned. You probably will have to work at it & take it one step at a time. But my personal opinion at least would be this is what is going to be necessary. At least these are my thoughts with regard to your post. I wish you well...