Hi there,

Looking for some advice, feeling really lost right now and I don't know what to do with myself or who to ask for help.

I've been with my partner for 8.5 years.
In general it feels as though life wont let us be happy together or both of us are just so worn out and traumatized I don't know what to do.
He is my best friend, we can chat quite easily, we have a lot of the same interests, well used to actually maybe not so much anymore.

I feel like I'm traumatized and struggling mentally to hang on.

We met when I was 18, he was 20. We were both young, spirited and big dreamers. We moved in/to a different city together after 6 months, and everything started going wrong after that.

His parents were very abusive alcoholics. From the very first time I met them, they back me up against a wall and yelled down my throat about how I should be cleaning his house and that i'm not good enough. I would just stand there in shock. They would never show up when they said they were going to, it always at random and conveniently when I had plans. Over time his father was nicer, but his mother became far worse.

I lost my job, he buried himself in pot and gaming. I got a job, he quit his straight after and was determined to 'get away from society' live in a hippy commune of some sort. I was so in love with him that I sold everything and followed him. We were pretty much homeless, couch crashing between relatives, finding work where we could. I couldn't take it anymore so I left to go back to my hometown and old job, and he followed.

Soon after I found out I was pregnant. I felt pressured into making this decision, and was promised the world of support from my partner and parents. I had my son when I was 20.

During my pregnancy I was working. He worked for 2 months lost his job and then I found out the was $30K in debt for his sports car, then was unemployed for 10 months after. He spent most of his time smoking pot, going out with friends, playing video games and working on his car. I was alone, upset and depressed. He only seemed to care after a fight. He would do just enough to keep me hanging on, like pick me a flower.

He was on the verge of bankruptcy and I was supporting him. He kept telling me his was working on his car to sell it for a higher price, but that never happened and I was guilt tripped into letting him keep it and putting my and my sons savings on the loan.

His mother threatened me, she would yell at me and back me up into a corner. Saying I'm a *****, I'll never be apart of their family, I'll never or my son will never be a 'insert surname'. Refuse for me to go to the toilet, outside or see my family. This continued until recently. She would walk in on me in the shower, using the excuse of 'I need to wash my hands' or I just wanted to let you know the floors need vacuuming. Then body shamed me afterwards. I've never seen a woman drink 3 cartons of wine consecutively in a night. My partner would always say, 'Well I'm not my mother' and ignore it.

He finally got a job. He spent most of time working, every morning yelling at me like clockwork, and straight to gaming in the evening. I spent my time raising my son, studying and later got a part-time job. After 2 years, his contract ended. He cheated on me, wouldn't talk about it. He was determined to move interstate - 12 hours away from my family. His reasoning was that he was approved for a fee-free diploma in engineering and our family would be better off.

The move was terrible, nothing went to plan, or I could say my partner didn't listen to me at all and instead recruited his drunken parents to help (ruin everything). We ended up in a caravan park for 4 months.

After finding a house and moving in finally, a week later I ended up in hospital after having a hypokalemic attack/temporary paralysis. He doctors put it down to stress. His mother came over to 'help' instead she got drunk every day abusing me. It was too much, I went to ring the cops and my partner threatened me, saying if you do this we are breaking up.

My son was in childcare luckily for 3 of the those days, the other days we would hide out in his bedroom or outside mostly. Her behavior got worse, on the final day she locked my in my bedroom, no food, no water, I couldn't go to the toilet, she gave me a cup to piss in. She would come in during ad breaks to yell at me to her heart's content. I hid under the bed at one stage, so she poked me with a broom.

After that our relationship broke down completely. I was looking at separating, but I kept getting sick all the time and found it too hard/was scared to be a single parent alone with no family support (12 hours away).

He never ended up getting his diploma, he was working, but other than that gaming instead.

In amoungst those years there were scattered good times. Going to the beach, out in nature, going out to dinner(which I always had to organise). But every special day, birthdays, christmas, mothers day - to him, he didn't care, it was apparently just 'fueling corporations'. I got him presents every year for everything. He tried a couple times, but then just couldn't care. Would take a day off to spend it in bed.

I had given up. The best I was hoping for was just to do my best for my son and family. To live for my kids. We decided to have another child 3 years ago, so our son would have another sibling.

Then fast forward.

2 and a half years ago.
He proposed in our lounge room out of the blue. I was sweaty, smelly, had spent the whole day cleaning, cooking and just got our son into bed.
I said yes.
But then immediately felt bad. 2 days later I said no. I told him that I felt like he didn't actually love me and if we were to get married, he would need to show me. I also said that I wouldn't unless his mother either took back what she said many times about not letting us get married, destroying it, me etc. or she could not come.

Another 2 days later, he was injured at work. He was shocked off a faulty appliance and had nerve damaged throughout his right arm/shoulder/neck.
I was 6 months pregnant at the time.

I cared for him, supported him, I did every thing for our household and organised his medical/legal.
Somehow, I found a strength I never knew I had, and I stopped feeling so bad about myself.

He changed in a lot of ways. He stopped yelling, he actually became more compassionate and understanding. He started being a good father.
He still does not have much use of his arm, although can do small things around the house. I can definitely tell he loves our children, but I can't tell if he loves me.

His mother never changed. She continued to be abusive.
Recently, after she made accusations, saying my daughter isn't apart of her family, because no one in her family has blue eyes, my partner can't be the father. The way it was said, I saw that as her painting a target on the back on my daughter.

My mind snapped. I yelled at her in front of everyone, and told her that her behavior was disrespectful. I've never lost control like that before.

I laid down the condition that she can't see my children until she gets help for alcoholism, starts acting more respectfully, and apologizes to me and my children for everything.

My partner wanted to separate. I agreed.
I left to visit my mother for a few days. When I came back he was begging me to stay. His parents made threats about me and my children on social media. I wish I didn't see my partners messages. He was agreeing with them.
He would say, I didn't mean it that way, you don't understand what I meant.

He has begged for us to stay together.
He has promised to support our family unit.

But I'm crushed. I'm traumatized.
I feel like I gave up everything for this man.
He is my best friend, or was?
I don't love him any more, its disappeared and replaced by a feeling of emptiness and nausea.
All trust has been broken.
I feel broken.

I've seen a psychologist and he has pointed out certain patterns of behaviour were abusive, that I didn't realized.
He thinks that my partner was conditioned to his parents abusive behavior, he thought that was normal (although they didn't treat him that way?)
He thinks it normal that I am anxious considering.
He hasn't had much to say with regard to our relationship other than focus on my children.

We're in separate bedrooms now.
But I'm struggling to cope with everything or be around him.
I don't hate him at all, I just feel so sad and sick around him.
I feel so traumatized by everything.

My mind broken and I'm reliving every moment from the past - good and bad, mostly bad and re-prosessing it. I feel like I was so blinded by love, but that blind is now gone. I'm depressed and anxious.
Holding it in in front of my children, always a happy face because I love them. Later crying myself to sleep at night.

Should I save this relationship for my children?
Can I ever overcome this trauma? or will it just break me even further trying to live like this?
How can I ever trust him again?
How can I leave him when he's impaired now and can't look after himself?

Thanks,
A lost mother