T yesterday. I'd sent him two emails on Sunday--the first about something I wanted to talk about in session and the second saying how I'd contacted my p-doc about possible side effects from my new medication and she'd mentioned possible intensive outpatient program, so if she contacted him about that, I wanted to just discuss it in session.
Went back and sat down. T was wearing his glasses, which he only occasionally wears, so he looked more intellectual than usual. He said p-doc had not contacted him. I said OK, good, that she'd written me back this morning and hadn't mentioned IOP again, just suggested what amounts of meds to take. I said I'd probably overreacted. That I was scared she'd suggested IOP and would have contacted T and I'd have come in today and it would have been some sort of intervention scenario (since she was suggesting it for alcohol issues). T (in a very caring way): "I'm always going to be up front with you. I'd never set up something like that behind your back." Me: "OK, thanks."
Me: "I think I was just worried from when ex-p-doc had suggested IOP, where she implied she'd already talked to ex-T and ex-MC about it, when she really hadn't. And in that case, had I gone to it, I wouldn't have been able to see ex-T or ex-MC for 3 months. And I was worried current p-doc would have talked to you before I came in and..." T (in a compassionate tone): "People will often think one step ahead and worry about that. But here, you were taking multiple steps, with the worst-case scenario in each." Me: "Yeah, I know..." T: "The chance of even one of those happening...your mind just jumps way ahead." Me: "I wish I wasn't like that."
T: "Let's think about the reality of the situation. If p-doc had called me, what would have happened?" Me: "I guess you would have said you'd talk to me about it today." T: "Yes, and I would have let the decision be up to you. I would have talked to you like an adult about it." Me: "OK." T: "I wonder if this could partly be your fear of a lack of autonomy. Maybe this ties into your mom and the sense of authority figures knowing what is best for you." Me: "Hm, I hadn't thought of that. And then my fear that I'd come in and you would push me to attend that as well." T: "With us it would be two adults having a conversation. But I don't get the sense it would be with you and your mom." Me: "Yeah...like even now, she still treats me like a kid, like I can't be trusted to make my own decisions."
T said how that probably stems from her anxiety issues, her feeling that she needs to be in control. We discussed a recent example with her wanting to go to a certain restaurant then being taken aback by my not wanting to go there (had bad reaction--like allergic--to their food the last time) and seeming unwilling to change from that. T said was good example. T: "Sometime in the future, maybe much further down the line, I want you to be able to feel compassion for your mom, to understand why she is the way she is. But for now, it's enough to realize this is her stuff, not yours."
We discussed the medication stuff some more, and side effects I thought I might be having. T: "I really hoped this one would work out for you, would give you some relief." Me: "Thanks. I think SSRIs just aren't my friend. Maybe I should have said something to p-doc sooner?" T: "I think you handled this exactly right. You gave it enough time to try it out, and you said something when it was bothering you." Me: "Thanks, that helps to hear." T: "I want you to think that, too." Me: "OK."
Partway through that conversation, as I was trying to fix my hair, T said: "You seem uncomfortable with your hair." Me: "Yeah I am." T: "It's shorter." Me: "Yeah, I got it cut." T: "I almost didn't recognize you. Plus you're wearing short sleeves!" Me: "Yep." T: "Sometimes you run your hands through your hair." Me: "Yeah, it's one of my anxiety tells. One of about 15. In fact it's probably more odd if I'm *not* doing something anxiety-related!"
T said we had 20 minutes left, did I want to shift to talking about the other thing I'd emailed him about? Was up to me.
(Here's what I'd sent him: "Something's been on my mind lately, and I had sort of a revelation about it yesterday that may have connected some dots, like present and past stuff. I think we should talk about it tomorrow, because I think it also involves some fears about trusting you. Like, I'm starting to really trust you, and I think that *may* be why I'm wondering about this topic?
However, the "present" part is rather awkward and involves you and what could be considered transference stuff, in the sense of "how I relate to male authority figures" (or possibly males in general?) and how they relate to me. I'm concerned that part of it will seem like I'm asking you something, when I'm very much not. It's like I need to talk about the desire to know (and why that's there) without actually asking the question. Does that make sense? For example (this is *not* what I want to talk about!): Say I wanted to know if you had any pets. It's not about whether you actually have pets--and I'm not asking if you do. It's about why it matters to me if you do and why I've also wondered if other male authority figures had pets.
I just want to make sure that tomorrow you don't answer the question that it may seem like I'm asking/implying because I DON'T want to know the answer.")
Back to session: Me: "I think? Yeah, I guess we should talk about it." T: "We could wait if you prefer." Me: "No, we can talk now. I just don't know how to start. Um..." T: "Are you worried about how I'll react?" Me [crying]: "Yes." T: "I'm guessing from what you said in the email it's about wanting to know more about my personal life?" Me: "Actually, no. Oh, I guess you're saying that because of the pets example. That's not really what it's about." T: "OK." I pulled out my typed notes from my purse, stared at them and spent a few minutes trying to get it out. At one point, T said, "You're hiding your face with your hand." Me: "Yes, this is very hard for me." I finally just handed him my typed notes and said, "Can you just read this?" He started to read and, to distract myself, I gathered the skunk, frog, gecko, and turtle in his tiny sand tray around a piece of wood that I thought of as a fire.
Here's most of what was on the paper (doing trigger thing to be safe):
Possible trigger:
"(Warning, this may not make much sense) there’s this part of me that wants to know that you’re attracted to me. That *wants* you to be attracted to me. But then another part of me that fears, if you are attracted to me, are you only being nice or caring to me lately because of that? And another part of me that worries you’d laugh hysterically at the thought that you could be attracted to me or to want to vomit at the thought—I don’t mean in the context of me being your client but in the sense of, if I wasn’t your client, we were both single and met in some other circumstances.
I feel like this is some weird paradox where I want you to feel attracted to me but then fear that you’re only caring because of it. That has to connect back to something right? Because it’s not just a thing with you, not at all. I think some of this goes back to...the high school teacher (who I developed feelings for), who treated me like I was special but was a jerk to my former best friend. And the friend had said to me that he treated me differently because I was attractive. Was that what it was about? Did he care for me more because of that than how I was as a person or student or journalist? And if someone cares for me because of that it could easily go away.
What’s that about? What’s going on there? Why do I want that from you or anyone? Is it something about my self-worth or lack thereof? Like I’m not enough by myself, I need to also, say, turn you on. I need to entertain you. I need you to like me whether for my mind or my body or my sense of humor or possibly all of the above. Does it all come down to wanting to be liked? And sexuality seems easier in a way?
This is the s*** I need you to help me figure out. It’s not about you. It’s something else. But what?"
T looked up, finished reading, as I glanced at him fearfully. T gave a compassionate look. Me: "I hope that wasn't too weird, I'm sorry." T: "It wasn't too weird." Me: "I'm not even sure where to start talking about it. Like I feel it's very paradoxical both that I want you to be attracted to me but I'm also afraid of it. I'm not sure what that's about. But it's something I keep thinking about so..."
Me: "I'm also scared that since I shared this, then...maybe you won't be willing to shake my hand anymore" (lots of tears). T: "LT, I would never take that away." Me: "OK it helps to know that, thanks."
Possible trigger:
T: "Can I ask...is this the same way that you felt about ex-MC?" Me: "No, not exactly. With him it was more...I guess, like I wanted him to be in love with me. So more than that, not just sexual." T: "OK." Me: "I wasn't sure if in asking that you were concerned this was going in the same direction as that." T: "No, it's just that you said this isn't only about me, and he's the other male authority figure in a similar role that I can reference." Me: "OK, It's happened before, too. like the teacher thing." T: "Did you want him to be attracted to you?" Me: "I think so. But then because of what my friend said, I was worried that's why he was so nice to me. Maybe I worry that about you? But then at the same time, I want you to be attracted, so..."
T: "Do you think if there was attraction it would make me like working with you more? That it would feel less like you were a burden?" Me: "Yes. Like...I don't even think it's just that. I mean, yes I pay you, but it's like I feel the need to provide you with someone else, too, whether the attraction thing, or making you laugh, or being someone you enjoy talking to. Maybe it ties into last session, where you talked about how you like some clients more than others, and of course I wanted to ask if I was one you liked more, but then I don't think you'd have told me that if I was at very bottom of the list. Plus I seem to fit the criteria of what makes you like a client, like I'm engaged, I talk, I do the work, I make you laugh sometimes." T smiled, which made me assume that I was right.
Me: "I think it's just that I'm starting to really trust you. And [crying] that's really scary, especially after ex-MC. so..." T: "It's like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop?" Me: "Yeah." T: "I don't see a shoe anywhere." Me: "OK. And maybe it's also like...I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with you, like..." T: "Sort of sabotage? Maybe that's too harsh of a word." Me: "Yeah not quite that, more hypervigilance. And I need this to be someplace where I feel safe. So it's like if certain stuff started to...sneak in, then maybe it wouldn't be as safe?"
T: "Have I ever said or done anything that's made you feel uncomfortable?" Me: "No, I don't think so." T: "OK, good, because I certainly wouldn't want that. If I ever do, please tell me." Me: "OK." T: "And just so you know, I don't think you've ever acted in a flirtatious way toward me, at least nothing that I've noticed." Me: "OK that helps to hear."
Me: "I'm sorry, I feel like this is just all jumbled up and I don't know what's going on with it." T: "That's why it's good to talk about it." Me: "Yeah, I keep thinking about it, so like if I didn't bring it up, I was afraid it was going to block things in here, like affect the therapy." T: "It's good you brought it up." Me: "I'm definitely still trying to figure it out. I think this is a 'to be continued' conversation." T: "Definitely. We can talk more about it Wednesday if you like."
Me: "Are you sure you're OK with all this?" T: "Yes, LT." Me: "I worry you'll think about this more later today and change your mind about whether it's OK." T: "If that happens, then we'd just talk it through next session." Me: "OK. I'll probably worry about it tonight. I'll try not to email." T: "You know my email policy." Me: "yes." (I ended up sending him a very brief email, just asking if he was still OK with everything from session. He replied, "Yes--all is well. More to discuss Wednesday." Which made me feel better.)
We were a couple minutes over. I paid, T held out his hand and we shook hands (felt just like our usual handshake) as he said "I'll see you Wednesday." Me: "See you then. Thanks." Not sure how good a job I did of conveying this, but all session T seemed particularly caring. Just in tone of voice, body language, how he looked at me. Typing his words doesn't really capture it all.