Hey again, Perna. Thanks for responding.

“Why believe there isn't some you can love and who loves you, Locust, instead of that there is someone you can love and who will love you back and have a fine life? Everything that is about the future is only belief, not fact or even necessarily more or less probable but that belief will make it so!”

<- I agree that nothing is definite- at least not usually. Life is too unpredictable for that. However, I think the chances of my ever falling in love, staying in love, and being loved (permanently and not for just a little while) by the same person, is next to nothing. I’ve heard a lot of people with divorced parents say it ruined their view of love, but that didn’t happen to me when my parents divorced. I remained a hopeless romantic despite their divorce. Well, perhaps not entirely a “hopeless romantic” because I actually was a little afraid I wasn’t capable of love or capable of being loved. I was a bit pessimistic, I suppose, and due to blunted emotions, I wasn’t sure I could love. However, it was so important to me that I told myself I could never doubt it was possible or…… well, what I mean is, how does one live while believing the things they want most in life are unattainable? I managed to save some hope or at least lie to myself about my doubts because lasting mutual love was one of the things I wanted more than anything. I eventually found out that I could love, but I suck at knowing what to do with it. Also, everything I’ve found has told me I am not loveable for long. I have been hurt, like everyone else, but maybe I just don’t deal with it in the same way as others. I’ve discovered that no matter how much someone loves me, they can stop loving me. In fact, I think it may be inevitable that they will stop loving me, but I know for a fact that no love is without the ability to fall apart. No one I love is going to love me and stay in love with me. I truly believe this. My parent's divorce didn't teach me- my heart, my relationships, and my life have taught me these things.

"But I can't imagine living with someone I didn't like or care about; why would one do that? One is still alone that way, a warm body isn't all that is needed for either a good marriage or companionship so one isn't lonely."<- I agree. There's no point in committing to someone you don't care about. Why give up your freedom just to be with someone you don't love when, as you said, you will be alone with this person because there is no love there.

“My father's sister will be 87 in April and has never married. There are all sorts of reasons why one might not be prone to marriage but none are inevitable.” <- It might be possible for me to have lasting mutual love, but I don’t think it will happen even if I want it to. I think I will be alone regardless of what I do, and I just want to save myself going through more and more pain just to end up in the same situation- alone- but more broken and hurt than ever.

I’m glad you found the one and I hope you two live a wonderful, happy, long and loving life together- I want that for everyone (or ALMOST everyone)- but I think it will not happen for me. I have found love in the past- and I know it was real- but look at me now…..I am still alone. Finding love doesn’t mean you won’t die alone.

Thanks for being so positive. I do appreciate the support and I think it's very nice of you, but I just can't believe I'll ever have and keep mutual love.