Reading that was very reassuring, I just have a few more things to say and an update. Last night, I had sleep paralysis probably three times in a row. The first time was the most intense and it had affected me most, I was laying on my side and I felt myself drift to sleep but I could still see my side and legs and the blanket over me. I heard a rumbling noise in my ears, and my vision was shaking and filled with black dots. I remember hearing myself scream, "Get out! Get out!" and it just stopped, it felt like it was just a dream but sleep paralysis at the same time it's hard to describe. This fed my delusions, I feel like they got to me. The other two times, I was just paralyzed I could still hear the noise occasionally though.

Anyway, the film like vision of the girl passed, I no longer see it or believe she's real. However, the demonic thoughts are back. I was to afraid to admit this but... I've had sexual intrusive thoughts regarding them and the devil. It's very scary for me to be saying this, because I'm afraid of what might happen. Also, I've had delusions that the devil would enslave me and fears of the afterlife. I feel stuck in my mind. I see it like this; If I killed myself, I would be enslaved in the underworld, but if I didn't my mind would continue slowly tearing itself apart. Sadly, my mother only wants me to see a doctor and then just a counsellor but I doubt that would be help. On the bright (if you could even call it that)side, I've learned to suppress the thoughts. Also what I meant by Baptist was, yes, the preacher. My suspicions of him have only increased.

I recalled a memory involving him and a girl when I was a child. I know this is true, but I never reflected on it until now. I remember the girl claiming that she was a demon/partially demon and she proved it by saying how red her skin was. It really wasn't, she was very pale and I'm assuming she just showed me a rash. Then she did a "ritual" that could turn me into one, however all I remember was her rubbing my wrist and hands. She then gave me a charm to prevent me from seeing the spirits that she did. I lost the charm immediately, but a few weeks or so later ( I can't really remember) There was a party I was at, a very religious family friend. (We're filipinos and in our town, we have a small community and we used to have a lot of parties back then) They invited the priest. I cant remember if it was the same one but I believe it was, when he touched my forehead, I felt a numbing sensation overcome me.

This memory triggered a plethora of thoughts; What if he was trying to make me a demon? What if I was a demon? What if there were signs all along and that I'm just awakening with this knowledge? What if I know too much and they are trying to plant these thoughts and sacrifice me? What if I get enslaved by the devil and get tortured or sexually abused? What if demons are after me?

I also had a dream before of a cult in my town, and that they practiced a sacrifice ritual in the central town park. What if that is a premonition? Sometimes, my dreams almost entirely become reality.

I can't even shower, I feel vulnerable when I do. I have a wrist catholic bracelet I wear at all times, even in the shower. I believe that if I wear it, it will protect me. Even though, ironically, I am uneasy around religion because of my delusions.

See, I didn't have any sexual abuse as a child so I have no idea why there are intrusive thoughts like this, but I feel disgusted/ashamed and deluded and nauseous whenever they pop up. I refuse to believe I am satanic or a Satanist, the very idea frightens me. I'm afraid that I'm slowly losing myself. I feel like I'm barely in reality. My mind is tearing itself apart, and the only help I can get is through a school counsellor. I'll be starting High School soon, so I most likely will be able to talk to one. It's just, how will I be able express all of these things at once without sounding deranged? Although, I probably already do...

I don't know what to do anymore, I'm scared I will start hallucinating. Please help me. I feel so evil, I feel like I've lost sight of God and hope, I feel like my mind is imprisoned. I want to feel sane again. I'm in a very lost state...