Trigger Alert- Mentions sexual body parts, the sex industry, plastic surgery, low self esteem, etc.

I don't know if this belongs here or under self esteem since it incorporates both issues. The thing is, I don't think very highly of myself and have lost hope in ever having what I want in life. I also truly believe I will die alone. I think my life could get better, but dieing alone is inevitable, at least. I am not loveable for long. I'm not very desirable, either.

Anyway, I've become obsessed with going into the sex industry. I've thought about various things. I've considered phone sex worker, but that's more of an idea for temporary money making and no real "goal" of mine. What I want is to be a stripper, a nude model (for a company that has artistic erotica by alternative models, not run of the mill), or a porn star. Why? I'm not entirely sure, but I'll list why I think I might have this goal stuck in my head in a few minutes.

First, I want to say, I also want plastic surgery- especially surgery on my breasts. I also want my vagina tightened somehow and I hear you can do that now. I'm mostly focused on the breasts, though. I hate my breasts and I can't stop wanting to get a breast lift, a laser bra, or/and implants. I want them to the point that, I feel like I can't like my body without them.

I have it in my head that if I can get off my lazy butt and get in good physical shape and get a job to save up cash, I can get fit by working out, then have plastic surgery with my money I've accumulated for breast implants, chemical peels, etc. Then, I can go into the sex industry.

Why do I want this? I don't know. I have other ambitions, too, but I feel like I'll never achieve them. Truth is, I'll never achieve this and be good at it, either. My reasons for this are varied. Part of my love for the arts is showing through in my choices. I actually do think strippers can be artists. They are dancers and dancing is an art. Also, pole dancing can be a very graceful and beautiful art form, and requires strength to do. It also requires skill to do well. Also, if I do nude photos, sure doing alternative is partly because I can't do anything else due to my looks, but it is more than that. I enjoy the style and I think they are sometimes more accepting of various body types which I respect as a person who hates current beauty standards (even if I am supporting them with plastic surgery desires), and also, I want to do artistic photos because I have seen some artistic erotica, that although definitely sexual, is truly nude art, in my opinion. I like art, so in both the stripper and nude photos desires, I am taking art in to account. With porn, though- well, it isn't normally artistic. I guess some of it CAN be, but if I do porn, I'm not doing it for art, really. I might prefer artsy jobs, but my desire for porn is not about art, but my desire for nude modeling and stripping actually is partly based on the art of it. Also, I really do enjoy the dancing and sometimes, I like posing for photos- especially artsy ones- even though I'm ugly and not very photogenic.

Beyond the art, though, we find the sex- and in porn, it is all focused on the sexual aspect. Why do I want this? Also what of the plastic surgery?

I think part of the reason I want to do this is simply because I don't see my life going anywhere. This way I can at least make money- and look good doing it, hopefully.

Also, my therapist says I want to be wanted, but I am scared to get close to someone again. He says strippers are wanted, but can do this from a distance, and they are often in control of the male clientèle's sexuality (in other words, in the club, the stripper has the control in a way). I think this is part of it. I know that if I have plastic surgery, I might feel excited at first and I might feel better in a way, but I also know I will still feel largely empty because looking good isn't everything and I don't know if I will even feel attractive after the surgery. I also know that being wanted will not make me loved, and love is what I've really wanted. Plus, I won't necessarily even be desirable to the people I care about. However, part of me thinks, I will be more likely to be desirable to the people I care about, and although I really want them to care about me (beyond the physical), as well as want me, they aren't going to love me anyway- but if I have plastic surgery, get good at stripping or nude modeling, etc. they will at least want me. Also, I am afraid of getting too close to people.

Besides this, the idea of going into this gives me a distraction, and I tend to obsess so once it got into my head I've had trouble getting it out. I think it was a goal so I need to do it to prove to myself I can achieve SOMETHING I planned and wanted to.

I used to think the thought of it was sexy, but now, I don't even find it arousing because I am hurt and wanting something more than sexual activity with someone I don't care about at all. It will only remind me of the people I do care about and how I've messed everything up, can't have them, they don't care, etc. So, I don't think it's a turn on in my current mind state, though at one point it was, which helped put the idea of stripping, porn, and nude modeling into my head.

Also, I am bisexual and found out a few years ago- after having already decided I was bisexual- that my sister was a bisexual stripper. I found it interesting that we were both bisexual. I remember thinking dad must be upset because he's homophobic and would hate the idea of her stripping, as well. At that point I'd considered stripping, but didn't think I could do it, and besides, at that moment I was involved and in love, so I had no intention of being a stripper anymore because of that. Well, that's over now, so I don't have a relationship to keep me from doing it. Even though I don't want to strip just to upset my dad, I am angry with my father, and I know that my sister being a bisexual stripper must have upset him. I also know that he would be upset to find out I was bi, too, and while I don't want to be a stripper just because of him, the idea of him finding out he had two bisexual strippers for daughters just makes me want to laugh. It would be sweet icing on the cake because I know he'd be upset. He doesn't care about either of us, but he DOES care about his image.

Anyway, it is an obsession with me now if only I could get the drive to exercise and make the money. Sometimes I think I'll never work the money out for the plastic surgery and start to think of one time prostitution with some rich man, but then when I think about it, I know I want to exercise till I'm fit before I have this surgery, so that will buy me time to save up at least some of the money. In other words, it won't do me any good to rush to get the money through prostitution when I have to wait to get physically fit, anyway.

I don't know why I'm saying this. I'm just upset because I dislike my breasts, I want all this plastic surgery, I hate waiting for it and am afraid I can't achieve it, I'm afraid of problems it will cause with my mother, but I'm obsessed with it lately and I'm not completely sure why. Also, I know I will be empty when I get it, but I can't stop wanting it.