I was surprised that I was able to keep up at the gym this morning with the caloric deficit I have going.

I'm frustrated, because strength training is messing with the scale. I feel like I should be seeing a lower number, but it's stubbornly not moving. I blame the 3x a week strength training. But I also love the training... and I'm caught in a catch-22 of "I want to do well at training, so I have to eat" vs. "I have to have to have to get to a lower number, so I can't eat."

My individual therapist has really really really triggered me... I was doing well, but now I'm doing horribly. I told him that my dietician is encouraging me towards intuitive eating, and he (individaul therapist) said he is very skeptical of this. He doesn't trust me -- not because he just thinks I'll UNDEReat, but because he also worries I'll OVEReat. He said I DO have to be concerned about gaining a bunch of weight/getting fat again...because I've been obese in the past.

Parts of me feel in so many different directions.

Shame...a lot of shame...at ever having been obese. Self-hatred for it. The thought that I will never be able to escape it -- I must wear my former obesity like a scarlet letter. Once obese, always a lazy, incompetent person who lacks self control.

The ED part wants to starve and is convinced that if I were just thin enough, he wouldn't say these things. That if I was thin enough, he would tell me not to worry about gaining/getting fat. The ED part has a new goal...the ED part wants my therapist to want me to gain weight. And has some ridiculous goals...like passing out during training at the gym, because apparently that will mean it's working hard enough. The ED part even wants my personal trainer to want me to gain some fat. ...The ED part makes me feel so much shame as this all sounds so attention-seeking.

I think the rational adult me is just angry. How dare he tell me that I should worry about gaining weight/getting fat? How dare he? He has NEVER KNOWN ME overweight. He has NEVER KNOWN ME to overeat. It has been YEARS since I was that person. How dare he still hold that over my head when he has no evidence that that's what would happen? ALL HE HAS in his own experience of me is evidence that I will undereat OR eat normally and maintain my weight. How dare he tell me I need to go to a nutritionist/dietician for my nutrition advice and then back-track and spout skepticism and tell me "well, I didn't recommend this dietician." How dare he outsource my care and then back peddle when it's not what he in his self-confessed "untrained in nutrition" brain expected the dietician to say? How DARE he tell a client with an eating disorder that she should be worried about gaining weight?

I have group therapy today, and I am fairly certain my group therapists (both ED specialists) will be appalled when I tell him what's been said. I don't want to see them appalled... I don't want to be told that I should work with someone else.

My individual therapist is like a father to me, and I am caught up in a reenactment of my own awful relationship with my actual dad. I don't feel I can be OK without having worked through this once and for all.