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curiousone, I have described the process of psychosis as a crisis of identity -- you don't know who you are anymore. I attribute this to the collapse of one's sense of self-identity. My introduction to that state was due to multiple losses as accompanied by trauma but there are other means of getting to that space. For example, many young people find that their first introduction to psychosis is as a result of drug experimentation.

It's also my experience that there are certain phases in life when the ego (one's sense of self-identity) is already a little thin because you are in a transitional phase of life already. These transitional phases include adolescence, young adulthood and midlife. My own opinions on the matter are somewhat different from those in the mainstream but I cannot speak from the perspective I have not experienced.

The worser thing is where the hell do you go to get help?

That's a good question. Obviously, you've been reaching out for help in various ways. I could only encourage you to continue to do so. However, I have found that some forms of help are better than others, some doctors are more skilled when it comes to dealing with this. I couldn't find a skilled professional to work with at that time but others have. However, even that one factor often won't be enough to provide all the help you need. People frequently need more than one kind of help. Some things I have found helpful are...

- To educate myself in terms of what happened to me and why. A great deal of my education came through the internet and various books. In my signature at the bottom of this post I have a link to my blogs, Spiritual Emergency and Spiritual Recovery. You may find some information there that fits your personal situation. I would encourage you to make use of that which is useful to you and to discard that which isn't.

- To seek out other people who have been through a similar experience. This helped me to normalize my own experience. For the most part, I found such people through the internet as well, at places like psychcentral.

This blog entry may also have some ideas for you in regard to self help: Personal Definitions of Recovery

Best of luck to both you and Pennkid.