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I pretty much had to choose which knife I was going to cut my throat with.

Yes, it doesn't seem like you had many options to choose from. Although I think choosing to work is certainly your best option to choose. My own experience has been that working can help a person redevelop their sense of self while also providing important connections to other people and the larger world.

I suppose my next question would be, did you find medication to be helpful? Some people do identify it as helpful to them, others don't. If you did, then I think it would be good if we could help you explore some options for getting back on meds while still maintaining employment.

Also, in the links I recommended to you before there is a tool there called epocrates. It's an online resource as related to various psychiatric meds. I would suggest that you research your own meds including side effects of withdrawal. Some of what you're currently going through may be related. Knowing that might help you get through some of the more difficult times.

It will likely also be to your benefit to research alternative methods of coping because medication may not be an option for you if your only choices are to take it and not work versus working.